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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 1, 2026, 11:46 PM

    calling men who commit micro-aggressions sexist is like telling people to stop climate change by using paper straws. In the case of the classic "talk over woman during meeting" and similar, calling some tired out guy who fell back on the shitty behavioral script programmed into him from childhood a sexist and shunning him does nothing. Excusing it does nothing. Instead, make systems in which the easiest choice for someone who is tired and distracted is one that isn't sexist

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 1, 2026, 11:53 PM

    lol I have also seen the dreaded "ask senior female engineer to make coffee", and each time it wasn't some alpha male power play, it was a breathtakingly stupid move by a guy who hadn't had his coffee yet. okay so his subconscious brain thinks women should do domestic labor. he probably is in denial about it because his conscious brain knows that's bad. Make the easiest action be to not ask a woman to make coffee by havin one of them fancy coffee machines with buttons n shit

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 2, 2026, 12:01 AM

    One of the more disturbing instances of sexism I saw was in enterprise when team was interviewing a bunch of senior SWEs. Late in the interview proceess team takes candidate to lunch to assess "culture fit" When I interviewed, because im a turbonerd I aced the "culture fit" test. A SWE I worked with at another job interviewed and I knew her skills were just what the team needed.
    I overheard managers talking about it. She aced whiteboard, tech round, etc
    "ugh but she's just such a mom"

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 2, 2026, 12:05 AM

    They didn't like her because at lunch she admitted she had no idea what the latest video games or sci fi/fantasy TV shows were because she had two young children so she is saturated in kids media.

    because of that they passed on her and hired some jackass who vaped all the time in our cramped open office and made the place reek of chemical vape flavor

    managers had not the slightest clue they were Doing A Sexism. Looking for "culture fit" is a policy which leads to sexist outcomes

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 2, 2026, 12:18 AM

    two of the three guys i overheard having that discussion had children!

    the fact that they weren't thinking "ah yes, when the kids are that age it's hard to find time for gaming" is extremely telling.
    Because it means that when their kids were that age, those guys had all the time in the world to play video games.
    I wonder why!
    And you can tell how little, subconsciously, they value their wife's childrearing when they think "well I could play lots of vidya when MY kid was 2, so what's her deal?"

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 2, 2026, 12:22 AM

    If you asked any of those guys directly about when their kids were little, they probably would be practically weeping with gratitude towards their wife, talking about how amazing she is and how hard she worked.
    But subconsciously it's out of sight out of mind!
    It's not their fault, it's the programming they got since they were boys
    Since it's not their fault, make it impossible for this flavor of sexism to happen by setting up interviewing and hiring processes that remove the possibility

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 2, 2026, 12:36 AM

    the tragic truth is that nearly all men (and some women!) have subconscious beliefs that women are less intelligent, less competent, should be subordinate, etc etc etc. But nearly all the men I've worked with do not consciously believe these things. They know these are patriarchical lies and genuinely desire to see women excel in tech. (There are some malicious freaks but that's a topic for another thread)
    More "don't do a sexism" isn't the solution because they already don't want to do a sexism

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 2, 2026, 12:38 AM

    It is unnerving that if my colleagues get too distracted and careless I'm the one who pays for it, so I'm not being "aw poor guys have it so bad!" Fuuuck me the effort, the care, the tedious and endless self advocacy I have had to engage in just to exist and MAKE THE COMPANY MONEY like im doin u a favor just being here

    but it ain't a user issue, it's a UX issue

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 2, 2026, 1:55 AM

    When I've gotten on this soap box before, pushback I've gotten is "designing software development processes that work around sexist biases lets men off the hook! men should not have sexist biases at all!"

    ok so you propose...?

    "the only real solution is a society in which-"

    they can budget a fancy coffee machine with buttons n shit as furniture and get a tax write off finance aint gonna approve my equipment request for A NEW SOCIETY

    maybe if i hit em with it right at the start of the quarter

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 2, 2026, 2:11 AM

    objection: companies should simply not hire men with sexist biases

    okay but they do

    objection: men should do the work of fixing their own sexist biases

    okay but they dont

    objection: designing software development processes that work around sexist biases lets men off the hook

    okay but im here to make software not PURGE THE SIN FROM THE HEARTS OF MEN holy shit

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 15, 2026, 3:30 AM

    REAL WORLD case study of how to design softdev processes that make the easiest choice Not Sexism

    My friend, senior SWE at Schell, was flown out to client's office. They were an Only Standing Desk nightmare and she is like 5'2". She could not use her laptop on any desk, they couldn't adjust low enough for her, and like fkn maniacs they had no tables or chairs. She asked them to run out to office depot and get a card table and a folding chair. They said no and got her a plastic crate to stand on,

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 15, 2026, 3:35 AM

    all these people earn $70+ per hour and they are quibbling over using company credit card to buy a $50 card table so the expensive consultant isn't on a wobbly plastic crate.
    Because they were a client, my friend just sucked it up for the week, but the whole experience left her feeling shitty and undervalued, which probably would have shocked the client, who was paying a pretty penny for her expertise!
    The client didn't want to be sexist but oops, here we are. The question is,

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 15, 2026, 3:41 AM

    So if men are just so endearingly dumb that they can't conceive of something like "our cool standing desk setup is hostile to women because women are on average shorter than men" how can we design systems so these poor guys don't have to worry about making that mistake?

    well it's simple, if your cool office setup is OSHA complient and ADA complient, probably an average woman will be able to do work there 🤔

    You don't even have to make a single man fix the SIN IN THEIR HEART to combat sexism!

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 15, 2026, 3:57 AM

    What cheesed my friend off was that their refusal to run out and get a card table was based on the premise "you are capable of using your laptop by standing on a crate" without regard for anything but the literal problem "consultant too short for our standing desks" and no thought of the symbolic nature of the crate. She felt like not only was she being treated like a literal child, but that she was forced to look like a child. Why introduce these bad vibes when u could just get a fkn card table

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 21, 2026, 9:41 PM

    help i am a man what can i do proactively to keep sexism from making it harder for us to make software aside from purging the sin from my heart??

    a few things
    - make u workplace ADA and OSHA complient
    - do not use "culture fit" (aka "do they have my same hobbies") as hiring criteria
    - have an office administrator on payroll whose job it is to do stuff like make sure there is enough coffee n pens n shit; if u cant afford one dont make this a female senior engineer's job for some unholy reason

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 21, 2026, 9:45 PM

    - make u project managers pay attention to who is talking and if someone cuts a woman off during a meeting have them moderate (big props to the PMs I have known who were great at this)
    - make taking notes a rotating task or use voice to text or something
    - get one of them fancy pro tier coffee machines with buttons n stuff
    - if u meetings are longer than an hour, bathroom breaks pls
    - WORK FROM HOME, LET EVERYONE WORK FROM HOME

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 21, 2026, 9:58 PM

    For those outside of the US, ADA refers to the Americans with Disabilities Act and OSHA is Occupational Safety and Health Administration. So the "make the woman stand on a crate" incident would not happen in a workplace following these regulations because
    1. u gotta account for people who can't stand (thus must have actual ass tables)
    2. u cant make a lady stand on a wobbly slidey plastic crate all day because jfc

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  • firebreathingduckfirebreathingduck@vivaldi.net
    Oct 2, 2026, 2:28 AM

    @Xibanya

    Thank you for all of this, it's great.

    My parents had their flaws but they put me well ahead of my average Gen X peer in realizing a fair distribution of home responsibilities.

    And I still screwed up some.

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 21, 2026, 9:34 PM

    @5klp471 @fivetonsflax also when men say "I want to help!" giving them actual literal things they can do to help that is less squishy and nebulous than "become a better person in your heart" is probably the best immediate use of any institutional privilege they might have

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  • GinaGina@fosstodon.org
    Oct 21, 2026, 8:04 AM

    @Xibanya This whole thread is so painfully relatable.

    Everything from having to take notes as the only female dev in the room (I was young, the way I would tear them to shreds now lol), to being talked over in meetings, not being included in jokes, expected to get coffee, expected to write CSS as a Java dev because "girls are good at making stuff pretty", having ideas stolen, documentation witheld because I didn't want to go over it at the senior devs house (?!?), etc. So many examples ffs.

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  • Esther Payne :bisexual_flag:onepict@chaos.social
    Oct 21, 2026, 5:56 PM

    @Gina @Xibanya I remember the worst interview I ever had, they asked a question about where I saw myself in 5 years time and I stated I wanted to help people.

    "What, like a nurse?"

    It wasn't until I did the debrief with my partner I realised that was a sexism. Because he pointed it out. I just thought the interview sucked.

    Other parts of the interview sucked as well, I could tell I wasn't a culture fit.

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  • Kristin Henry: artist. Runs vis.social.kristinHenry@vis.social
    Oct 22, 2026, 4:48 AM

    @onepict @Gina @Xibanya In the last few years, I've been more focused on my art, and doing live events with it.

    Much of it is created with code, and is inspired from my days in Scientific computing

    After one conversation, my husband was angrier than I'd seen him in a long time. He was irate that this strange man was so disrespectful can kept "trying to catch you at something"

    I had to explain that it was a regular experience for me

    Hubby was shocked. I said, it didn't stand out.

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  • Kit , actual human (hire me!)kitwinter@dice.camp
    Oct 21, 2026, 7:58 PM

    @Xibanya As someone who is both 1) often read as femme (genderqueer but... let's face it, going to be read as femme) and 2) short af, yeah. There's so much.

    And that's BEFORE getting into my area of specialization - which is accessibility.

    Because I found out a lot of devs nowadays don't... think about things like keyboard navigation. They just assume it's there, even when it isn't.

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  • Ben Rosengartfivetonsflax@tilde.zone
    Oct 22, 2026, 4:42 AM

    @Xibanya mitigating the impacts of sexism is a worthy goal in itself!

    Thanks for your super thoughtful thread.

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  • bnuuybnuuy@mathstodon.xyz
    Oct 21, 2026, 10:12 PM

    @Xibanya i've... basically just had sleep stop working for me properly about like 2 + 1/2 years ago, and one of the ways it affects me is that being able to sit down and *lean back* has become incredibly important to me to help me conserve my energy.
    and *maybe* it would also neat to also have a standing or walking desk as an option, since moving around can also help keep me awake (but traps me in having to, like move around), but i haven't had the opportunity to try that, and out of the two the option to sit down has been way more important to me.

    i appreciate this sort of thing not getting forgotten about.

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  • Cavyherdcavyherd@wandering.shop
    Oct 22, 2026, 3:56 AM

    @Xibanya @bnuuy

    My workplace has its issues, but I'm suddenly appreciating its strong & explicit DEI push A LOT MORE.

    Thank you.

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  • Dana Friedtess@mastodon.social
    Oct 21, 2026, 10:21 PM

    @Xibanya a thing I learned as a manager who is very good at running a meeting while taking notes at the same time is that it is a skill and most people (especially men) are absolutely terrible at it - often resulting in things they're (often unconsciously) not paying full attention to (like women talking) not getting written down at all.

    You either need a competent person taking notes or text to speech, else you'll have meeting notes that are at best useless and at worst erase participants.

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  • MostlyBlindGamerMostlyBlindGamer@dragonscave.space
    Oct 21, 2026, 11:56 PM

    @Xibanya I’ve seen plenty of men refuse to press the fancy buttons on the fancy coffee machine. It’s wild.
    I think your pragmatism is super relevant, but I know way too many men who don’t do any of this on accident or just because it’s easier.
    As for ADA, OSHA and bathroom breaks… I’m multiply disabled, if your thing depends on me not taking my own bathroom break on my own time, I guess it sucks to be you.
    Of course if we say the solution is for women to have that attitude, you get into the epitome of “Bad culture fit” where she’s self-important, bossy and so on and so forth. Truth be told, one path to “a society where…” is a lot more women acting like that and walking all over the men who intentionally or accidentally walk over them. A little of everybody doing what has to be done to get things done.

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  • tuban_muzurutuban_muzuru@beige.party
    Oct 21, 2026, 10:20 PM

    @Xibanya

    How to build a team, and not those foo-foo Team Building Exercises:

    Don't hire just-one-woman, hire two.

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 21, 2026, 10:21 PM

    @tuban_muzuru it is depressing how often in my career I have been the only female engineer. when I was a kid in the 90s they told me sexism was over!!!!

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  • VANTABlackVANTABlack2000@mastodon.gamedev.place
    Oct 21, 2026, 11:17 PM

    @Xibanya The whole "culture fit" argument here is so flawed. (Not you the action you are complaining about) Mind you I am a 26M Gamer/Game Dev. Culture is so much more than one hobby. The "Too much of a mom" I think of 2 things.

    1. She said she couldn't connect BECAUSE her kids are young which means otherwise she WOULD try to know more if the latest games and can connect
    2. Some moms end up being "work moms" to younger workers which can make them feel closer and improve morale in my experience

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  • Antonio Patriarcaantopatriarca@mathstodon.xyz
    Oct 15, 2026, 7:39 AM

    @Xibanya How is that even legal? It means no short or disabled person would ever been able to work there… If you break one foot (or have any other temporary or longer term injury preventing you from standing all day) you similarly have to work from home. This is not just sexism, it is some bro culture hostile architecture.

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  • standevstandev@mstdn.social
    Oct 21, 2026, 6:41 PM

    @Xibanya it’s extra insane because consultant was probably on a T&M contract, and they ran up the cost on T to save trivial expense on M.

    (Also my ADA compliant employer has all standing desks but they go down to about 3’ off the ground in lowest position because sometimes someone can’t stand)

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  • Ben Rosengartfivetonsflax@tilde.zone
    Oct 21, 2026, 8:10 PM

    @Xibanya Your very smart points remind me of the “hierarchy of hazard controls”. Sexism and, idk, fluorine gas are maybe not that different in some ways.

    Image attached toot
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  • Joscelyn TranspiringJoscelynTransient@chaosfem.tw
    Oct 22, 2026, 4:20 AM

    @Xibanya wait, your job isn’t to purge sin from the hearts of men? Sure you can’t just fit that in tomorrow afternoon…just like a quick little 2 to 3 hours of overthrowing patriarchy? 😅

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  • beatrix bitrotbea@glitch.social
    Oct 2, 2026, 2:23 AM

    @Xibanya you would think people would jump at the chance to put a system in place that removes the opportunity for these biases to cause a problem in the first place, rather than doing the famously fraught work of educating, persuading, training, placating etc. out of these beliefs and behaviors

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  • Manuela MalasañaXibanya@mastodon.xyz
    Oct 2, 2026, 2:27 AM

    @bea i suspect most objections are from people whose goal is not to create software but to be Morally Correct On The Internet

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  • Androcatandrocat@toot.cat
    Oct 2, 2026, 6:03 AM

    @Xibanya Lowering the gain: Asking Finance to fund a "re-education device" for men with sexist biases.

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  • Janne Morenjannem@fosstodon.org
    Oct 2, 2026, 12:43 AM

    @Xibanya
    I suspect - and this is not any kind of argument for relaxing or giving up - that this unconscious culture-level bias will only really go away once enough time has passed that we have died away. It's *hard* to eradicate it from your own thinking, and probably not possible to do it at a large group level.

    It's gone only once most extant adults have grown up without those biases in the first place. A "science progresses one death at a time" kind of thing if you will.

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