Oct 23, 2026, 3:23 PMAdvice for female-presenting persons: if a male doctor asks if you've been under stress lately: SAY NO. Tell him life is great. Don't budge. Make the fucker actually figure out what's wrong.
I don't know a single woman who hasn't gotten the stress brush-off, only to get a real diagnosis later.
It's bullshit. Sometimes lying to your doctor is the right thing to do.
@frykitty Thank you. Yes. I will definitely do that.
@frykitty I’d say the advice works for any gender doctor. I had an argument once with a sleep nurse who kept telling me I probably wasn’t sleeping well because I was in grad school. No, I said, my years at Microsoft were infinitely harder than doing what I’d wanted to do my whole life. I was basically stressless in comparison.
Sadly, she basically never bought it. Grad school was hard for her (I assume) so she couldn’t fathom it was a cakewalk to me compared to corporate life.
@frykitty tl;dr lie to any medical professional (maybe excluding therapists since stress is kinda what people come to us for 🤣), who’s trying to pin your problems on stress. 🙃
@darwinwoodka @frykitty LOL, oops for the therapist's guessing. :)
During my latest yearly, I declined the standard anxiety & depression questionnaires because, "Look at the World. My baseline rage is running 6-7/10, so these evaluations are meaningless."
This got entered into my notes as "'stress' is running 6-7/10." Which I considered calling out. But then I realized "rage" is maybe the wrong word to insist be added to a formal record, lolsob.
While I'm getting trained on dealing with people in crisis and trying to figure out if the person is a danger to themselves or others, I'm always disappointed that none of the suggested responses involve something like, "Have you considered joining a union first, and dealing with this collectively?"
@violetmadder @jonobie @frykitty
What? Like acknowledging that the problem is •systemic•??
What are you •mad•? That would risk giving your client the idea that their concerns are •reasonable•!?!
I made the mistake of articulating my feelings about the current state of the world as, "I'm not making any plans past 2030." Meaning, I'm not sure there's any •point• to making plans past 2030, because there's a substantially better than zero chance that there won't be a world to make plans •in•. >>
@violetmadder @jonobie @frykitty
This had the result of pcp somewhat urgently reminding me of the existence national crisis hotline.
Which, honestly, was just plain insulting. (And also I've heard stories of people winding up having less than optimal encounters with law enforcement as a result of such calls. So, yeah, hard pass.
I really need to remember that maintaining my integrity does •not• require disclosing to untrustworthy authority.
The whole idea of 988 and mobile crisis lines is to get in touch with people who are NOT cops... BUT the connection to the authorities IS still there and sometimes-- if there's not enough crisis folks on staff at the time, or if the person is deemed dangerous-- the cops do end up being the ones sent.
About 20% of mobile crisis calls end with somebody getting hospitalized. That's the part of the work I dread most, I don't want to be involved in dishing out 5150s if I can help it. I'm no clinician, so I'm not qualified anyway, but yikes.
@violetmadder @jonobie @frykitty
Well, & USian LEO judgement is famously NOT reliable.
I've heard of far too many instances of explicit "welfare checks" winding up with the checkee dead.
@frykitty I transitioned. My first doctor who has only known me post transition asked me once if I had anxiety. I said yes.
Ever since that went into my file, that is the root cause of everything I go to the doctor for. I could show up with covid, I'm sure they'd say it's hormones and anxiety.
@frykitty I think I got trained into this by just being a woman who is not skinny. Most of the time, our medical concerns are addressed as far as " you need to lose weight" so there are things that I just wont interface with a doctor about bc it will just go nowhere
@Catwoman69y2k @frykitty
Oh. My. God. Yes.
I quit letting my doc weigh me on my yearly check-up.
This last time around:
Nurse: "Let's get your weight."
Me: "No, thanks."
Nurse, clearly at a loss. "Um. Well. Okay, what was your weight the last time you were weighted."
Me: 😡 Caught me off-guard enough that I didn't have the presence of mind to say, "What part of 'no' was unclear?" I did say, "That's 'no' as in, if you have my weight, they'll put BMI on my chart, & BMI is complete BS, so: no."
@cavyherd @frykitty Yeah. I think in this instance, if you had not given the "That's 'no' as in, if you have my weight, they'll put BMI on my chart, & BMI is complete BS, so: no." and just clammed up....they would have likely assumed you didnt want to be weighed because you were self conscious. Afterall, women are considered vain about our weight (which, in itself, is sourced from societal self-fulfilling prophecies, to be clear)
It's saying something that they wouldn't default to the most likely explanation, which is that weight is used to dismiss & marginalize women.
Leaving aside the entire bollocks that is BMI as a "health" metric.
@cavyherd @Catwoman69y2k @frykitty I used to go to an HMO which insisted that the BMI was required "for insurance purposes." The doctors and nurses all thought it was bullshit and at the end of every appointment they'd sigh and say, "I"m sorry, I am required to tell you this, but, your BMI is high, you need to lose weight, yadda yadda yadda" or the like.
I am thankfully no longer with that HMO.
@fluffy @cavyherd @frykitty I admit, I have had concern about such things just because Im on the state system and I have no other choices.
Of course this will not be a problem for me after March 2027
Edit for clarity: My statement about it not being a problem relates to loss of state health insurance in March (due to the One Big Beautiful Bill.) I realoze the original statement might have been concerning oit of context
@fluffy @Catwoman69y2k @frykitty
But at least bless the doctors & the nurses who had caught the clue.
@cavyherd @Catwoman69y2k @frykitty yeah my current GP is great
@cavyherd @Catwoman69y2k @frykitty I honestly appreciate my doctor. I am obviously overweight. After getting weighed, he comes in and checks the chart. Says "you know, diet and exercise" and moves on. As in "I technically have to say this even though we both know the obvious" sort of thing.
@jhpratt @Catwoman69y2k @frykitty
I've tried having that exchange with my pcp. I consistently get the party line. (Same for covid caution. Same for statins. Really, this person appears to have no judgement beyond the textbook.)
(If I had the energy—or the hope, honestly—I'd look for a different provider.)
@cavyherd @jhpratt @frykitty Yeah. I also have to always feel things out. I have moved health insirance about 3 times in the last 4 years due to all the life changes (and changes to our state healthcare system). Each time Imoved, my doctor sitiatuon changes. I have to form a new relationship woth a new-to-me doctor. I use each "restart" to feel out the situation. Figure out which things I can talk aboit or address. I habe to be patient and make sure Im not volunteering the wrong information Too Soon.
One thing I can be grateful for: My "childhood" vaccines are all caught up on. I did manage to finally (after 20+ years) get mmr, tdap, polio, etc.... loaded into my body . I did not enjoy the doctor-insurance-finances back and forth with that one
@Catwoman69y2k @jhpratt @frykitty
Blessedly, my insurance has been pretty stable (same job for >18 years), & make an effort to stay up on vaxxes, & it's not a problem insurance-wise—thank Ghu. (Taking a pause to appreciate that.)
Really, though, it wouldn't cost much: Drs are really missing a motivational bet by not giving out merit badges for vaxxes 😂
I think Girl Scouts offers many of the relevant ones, even!
@cavyherd @jhpratt @frykitty I cant speak for others on this thread but I kinda fit into an interesting use case. The TL:DR is that my mom never vaccinated me when I was recently born. Sadly, the convenience that she saved herself by not taking me to the doc (for each round of vaccines ) caused me to inherit all sorts of inconvenience trying to navigate the medical system and get her choice rectified. Part of the challenges I faced were related to insurance or lack of insurance. The other stuff was just because my situation was not a common enough use . Like, none of the vaccine programs in my state were geared to adults trying to get vaccinated.
@Catwoman69y2k @jhpratt @frykitty
It sounds like you did the work and got yourself vaccinated even so. Good on you! (& good for those around you!)
@cavyherd @jhpratt @frykitty Yeah. Really, this never should have happened. I can only imagine the thing I went through is similar to what children of anti-vaxx parents have to go through. Im glad that my state killed off the religious waver for entering the school system because that is exactly what my mom used to get out of having to Deal With It.
@Catwoman69y2k @jhpratt @frykitty
Parents, man...
@cavyherd @jhpratt @frykitty Ill tell you, even among children of anti-vaxx parents Im kind of the odd one out. I say that because children of anti-vaxx parents can point to their parent's anti-vaxx POV as the reason they didn't get vaccinate. Such things are not logical and obviously science can debunk alot of the anti-vaxx talking points but...
my mom? She didnt vaccinate me because "it was inconvienient" (to take me back and forth to the doctors to get each set of shots) . LIke...that was the reason. Somehow that sounds even more ridiculous as a reason, compared to the anti-vaxx rhetoric.
@Catwoman69y2k @jhpratt @frykitty
So not misguided, just lazy & neglectful.
I didn't get along with my mother, & ultimately divorced my family of origin, but I will say, whatever else, she did do the job in good faith.
@cavyherd @jhpratt @frykitty Yeah. I wpuld consider mom to have been the ultimate teacher about What Not To Do. Sje absolutely wasnt prioritizing properly.
I was the kid duct taping my shoes together bc mom told me I dont appreciate her enough and was ungrateful for asking for things.... she would give me such lectures all while loading up her 200-CD disc changer
I dont doubt that her bad prioritization was part of what drove me to fight for a permanent birth control solution later on down the line. Like, I realized that if dont have it in me to priorotize for children... I probably shouldnt have them.
@frykitty
Sad but true, my (adult) daughter says the same ...
@frykitty This is EXCELLENT advice and reading your post was a real lightbulb moment for me. I generally agree that yes, I’m under stress because yeah, life as a working parent is full on. But recently I said ‘no more than usual!’ and it made a huge difference to how the appointment proceeded.
Oct 23, 2026, 8:45 PM@frykitty@craftgoblin.club Honestly, don't assume that a woman doctor is going to be any better. Some of them are, some of them are fantastic, but they still were educated in a system designed by and centers cis-men. They have to fight like hell to make it out of that bullshit without internalizing the sexism inherent in the system. Make sure you have a rapport with any doctor before admitting things like stress.
A great litmus test? If you're overweight, do they immediately tell you to lose weight to see if that makes the problem go away? If so, congrats, they've got the internalized medical sexism.
@frykitty@craftgoblin.club (esp if doc is a guy imho)
.
@frykitty
That's not lying to the doctor. The question itself is a lie. They're not genuinely asking if you've been under stress, they're asking for your permission to blow you off.
Give an honest answer to *that* question.
I'm sure i posted something.like that like a year or two ago!
Aye, I couldn't agree more. And it goes for everyone.
See also female care providers.
I have an ongoing issue with my pcp because she keeps trying to run the standardized questionaires on me, despite my repeated feedback that I hate them & won't do them. Yes, I have anxiety & depression diagnoses in my medical history. Guess what: those were drug-induced, caused by medication I used before I gave up following the guidance of a practitioner who clearly had zero interest in working •with me• to solve my issue. >>
Hm. I think I maybe now have a script for next time to communicate to her that she should KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF.
@frykitty
Oh is this the new trap? At least it's a shade of improvement over just inferring that I'm fat.
Oct 23, 2026, 10:25 PM@Cassandra_Complex This is probably the oldest medical trap in the world for women.
Cf. "hysteria"
@frykitty See also: vegans and doctors who look to fault the veganism for just about anything.
"What's your diet like?"
"I eat everything! From cows to baby lambs to fish eggs to chicken legs in buckets"
@frykitty yup, my mother was on valium for years for 'stress'. Turned out it was a kidney stone the size of a golf ball. It's bizarre, I'm all about evidence based practice and constantly tell people to see their doctor and not self diagnose, but I simultaneously have zero trust for the medical profession.
@frykitty I've also had to do this with female doctors who "totally understand" trans women and have decided I'm just crazy and "struggling." One of them even called my therapist to tell her I was in crisis, in the midst of a gigantic pain flareup.
@gildilinie @fluffy @frykitty i mean there are meditative techniques for pain management but i doubt they’re any good during a severe pain spike especially without lots of practice using them in that situation.
But yeah “mindfulness”? Fuck that in this context.
@masukomi @gildilinie @frykitty yeah I was being kinda sarcastic but my GP believed mindfulness was the solution to all pain issues and the fact it wasn’t meant I wasn’t doing it right
Not female or female-presenting... Have _literally_ seen this with the spouse. If it's not happened to you or you haven't witnessed it yet... It'll flip your brain inside out.
Fuck 'em. You've never even _heard_ of stress. <3
@frykitty 👍💯👍
Also, one thing that makes doctors take you more seriously:
instead of saying "I'm tired/I'm in pain"
say a 100% accurate (not at all exaggerated) description in the format
"I can no longer do [common activity of daily living]"
eg
"I can no longer walk to the local shops"
"I can no longer walk to my letterbox"
"I can no longer stand up to shower"