Whenever I use a cash point and it says "Take your card and your cash will follow", I involuntarily sing "Be colour blind, don't be so shallow" like I'm in En Vogue.

My eldest (18) has always struggled with keeping friends, but has really bonded with mine (50+). We have a group chat for slagging and arranging gigs and drinks. He's a good lad and my friends are like terrible uncles. This makes us all happy.

30 years ago - my uni housemates thought I adored clubbing. In reality I used to get the late bus down to campus most nights to use some quiet toilets there. Far too anxious to use the shared toilet in our house for a no. 2. Now students can have ensuites, lucky things.

As a voluntarily child free woman, I personally would like to thank the Tories for completely trashing the economy and gutting every support system society has. "There's no way we could ever afford kids" is way more accepted as an excuse than "I despise children"

Stole my mom's wedding ring to give to my crush as an elementary schooler. My crush had a boyfriend. Never got over the guilt.

I have absolutely no idea how many days are in each month. Not a clue. February maybe.

My wife keeps getting We Didn't Start The Fire by Billy Joel stuck in head. I deliberately write shopping lists, text messages, etc. in the same meter and it drives her insane. I've denied it so far.

Been slagging off my elderly neighbour for allowing his garden to get overgrown and full of weeds. Turns out he has been dead and buried six months.

Boyfriend cuts carrots lengthwise into long strips, coats them in marmite, and puts them on pizza. Should I dump him? He's still a good shag and before him I was on a dry spell.

20 years after she died. I still have my Nan's house key on my keys. Happy memories visiting her where I felt the safest I ever felt in childhood. That key reminds me of those times.

I know the lettuce cyclospora outbreak is just in the US, but I've managed to convince my husband that we're in danger, so I no longer have to eat salad every evening.

I'm 6'7 tall. If I get a taxi or Uber and sit in the back, and the driver doesn't use his or her initiative and pull the front seat forward so I can fit my long legs in the car, I won't leave a tip

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My plant pots kept getting smashed on the floor and it was on the wall between us and next doors garden, so at night and pushed my neighbours pots over only 2 little ones and felt smug, my neighbour asked me about it a few days later and apologised if her cat had also broke mine.

When I was a teen in the late 90s I made the perfect Daily Sport newspaper it was about 600 pages thick and took me 3 years to put together, my mum found it and burnt it in the garden, she died of cancer a few months later and all I can remember of her is that look of disgust.

I've worked at my current employer for 20 years. I've never respected anyone in this place as much as I respect the woman who's packed lunch today consisted of an entire box of Milk Tray chocolates.

Every time my barber increases his price, I simply increase the amount of days between haircuts. I will pay £0.67p per day. Used to go triweekly. I'm now up to 36 days between cuts. I'm sure other people do similar (minus the autistic maths part).

Spent a week recently thinking I was having a stroke owing to the fact I could smell burnt toast most days. Turned out my next door neighbour was just burning his toast.

Found a nice pair of reading glasses on the loo roll holder in a public toilet cubical. Nowhere to hand them in and my magnification, so gave them a new home. Today they slid off my head and landed in the toilet bowl. It's only just dawned on me…