I live with a sheep dog but in a city. She doesn't mind watching human focused shows, like Eastenders, but she prefers something relevant to her. So she watches reruns of One Man and His Dog that I torrented for her while I cook my dinner.

I'm a director of a wood stove company. I know my product harms my customers and their neighbours but the work is undemanding, pays well and affords me plenty of time with family. They'll be banned soon so there's no point resigning or moving to a more ethical industry now.

I refuse to pay for Costa coffees out of them machines. I can't remember the last time I paid for one. Just confidently hold it at the self checkout and waltz out. Free coffee tastes even better.

FYI - when your animals die, don't bury them in a plastic bag. If they accidentally get dug up at a later date, turns out it just makes a bag of hairy cat soup…

Hunky fella from another office was visiting for a month. He turned up with mud all over him one morning and stated that he was filthy. Before I engaged my brain I said out loud that I'd love to clean him. I then pretended to have a cold and worked from home until he left.

I had several doctors appointments, blood tests and a scan of my head because I kept having one pupil larger than the other. But it turned out to just be the difference in prescription on my lenses giving the illusion of a difference. Can't tell my wife.

My GF's meat sausage rolls got mixed with my vegan sausage rolls. Offered them to the dog thinking he'll eat the meat ones and not the vegan ones. Greedy Labrador bastard ate all 12 of them.

Confession time is now. Fill out the form: https://b3ta.com/addfess

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess

When my mom died, everyone was very understanding of my dramatic weight loss. Great timing. I didn't want anyone to know I was on Ozempic.

I enjoy taking my handheld radio frequency jammer to the psychic clairvoyancy events my wife drags me to. The panic on the "psychic's" face when their assistant looking everyone up on social media behind the scenes gets replaced with static in their ear is brilliant.

My childhood home has an outside space, between the house and the garage, where nobody can see. It's not overlooked, and no windows provide a view. I can stand there and nobody will notice. Access is tricky - through a gap in the hedge. But, every couple of months I revisit.

Hated the Lib Dems for going into coalition with the Tories. Friends bought me a membership as a joke. 15 years on I've been a Lib Dem councillor for years. Petrified someone will discover my origin story.

I have ground all kinds of things in my coffee grinder. Spices. Dehydrated vegetables. Doritos. The only thing I have never put in it is coffee beans, because I buy ground coffee instead.

I'm a fridge magnet kleptomaniac. I pinch them from gift shops, and other people's houses. If you're wondering where your souvenir from Benidorm is, it's on my fridge now.

Whenever I'm hoovering, I chase my cat around the house a little. The bugger lives like a prince, and he needs a little reminder of what is out there in the world he is kept safe from.

My boyfriend shouts "And away" from Mortimer and Whitehouse Gone Fishing after he ejaculates inside me and pulls out. I dread it every time we have sex.

I work for a bank. Those "discreet" payments to online sex shops like LoveHoney etc? We know exactly what they are, you dirty bastards. When customers need to give proof of identity, I love asking them to confirm their most recent purchases if I can see it was from a sex shop.

Neighbour said my garden wasn't mowed. I said 'Yeah but I get lots of butterflies and you don't'. He's now posting photos of lone butterflies in his garden. Evidently butterfly envy is a thing.

My ex had a pet peeve about not eating or drinking anything someone else had tried first. So after every argument, during the cooldown period, if they asked me to get them a drink, I'd secretly take a sip before handing it over.