Just heard '50 Ways to Leave Your Lover' which always annoys me, I mean, it's a great song but how many ways to leave your lover does it actually give? Oh is it five? FIVE, Paul Simon???? you lazy cunt
It's not even really five, they're all basically "just fuck off without saying a word" I mean it was the 70s but come on
yes don't worry I'm thinking of another 45, I've got 11 so far
OK, here are another 45, Paul Simon, which I came up with in just over half an hour, a half hour you clearly couldn't spare in 1975 you idle bastard.
Get on the train, Lorraine
Hotwire a car, Shah [of Iran]
Beam up to space, Ace
Run like Steve Cram, fam
Just roll down the hill, Bill
Pop to the shops, Knops*
Get on the ferry, Perry
Hop on the Tube, dude
Skedaddle you should, Yaddle
Hide in the laundry, Audrey
Get on your bike, Ike
*This is what Mark Knopfler’s friends call him
Melt into the air, Clare
Use your jetpack, Mac
Take your canoe, Lou
Or your kayak, Jack (a different Jack)
Identity theft, Jeff
Become the Pope, Hope
Or simply a priest, Mr Beast
One of those railroad things, you know, with the pump handle
Just go away, Fay
Simply fuck off, Bough
Enrol with Nasa, Yasser
Go live in a cave, Dave
Skate like a demon, Ian
Take an NPC’s quest, Jo Guest
Become a recluse, Bruce
Row down the stream, Cream (the band)
Jump off a cliff, Cliff
Hide in a shaft, Shaft
Fall in a crevasse, lass
Hide in the bin, Evelyn
Transform into sand, Ayn Rand
Become one with a tree, Fi
Come out as gay, Ray
Borrow a horse, Morse
Or even a camel, Mark Hamil
Fly like a bird, Douglas Hurd
Skulk in a well, Belle
Go inter-railing, AC Grayling
Sign up as a nun, hun
Sink into the dirt, Burt
Get abducted by a roc, Jock
Dive in the sea, Bree
Take a bridge over troubled water, Walter
Kill yourself, Nigel
Jump into a hedge, Wedge (the X-wing guy)
That's a total of 51, it's actually difficult to stop
Just say you're too sad, Steve Gadd (but finish laying down this astonishing drum track first, please)
Defederate, mate
Return from whence you came, Wayne
Honestly those drums.
"Busy practicing fills, Jills"
Steve Gadd in a polycule with multiple Jills, why not, it was the 70s
"Perfecting my flams, Pams"
@internetsdairy Cut her brake cable, Abel.
@Nickiquote dude
@internetsdairy Sorry my car is in the garage for a service and I’ve just been presented with the bill. I’m in a dark place right now.
@Nickiquote "I'm in a dark place, Grace"
with my job i would have 6, 12, 24 month placements, so i just moved.
then it came to getting a permanent one.
bugger.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1f1j28b/what_is_the_funniest_way_to_break_up/
Use puppets
Say something quite rude, dude.
@Nickiquote @internetsdairy set her house on fire and walk away slowly, Crowley
(I'm just waking up)
@giflian @Nickiquote @internetsdairy Didn't John Lennon cover that option, in Norwegian Wood?
@internetsdairy Load up the truck, Buck.
@internetsdairy Call in the movers, Hoover.
@internetsdairy Hire an attorney, Bernie.
I'm now imagining Simon with a giant list sitting in his manager's office with them deciding which ones are acceptable to the label! 😝
@internetsdairy just flee from the Don, Ron
Relatedly
Unfollow and block, Jock
Delete your accounts, Blount
Make sure to go dark, Mark
Or conversely
Blatantly join Tinder, Varinder
@internetsdairy Ratamacue, Drew.
@internetsdairy Just flee from the Don, Ron
@internetsdairy all of these are fantastic but this one is my favourite. Outstanding!
@internetsdairy Dissolve into mist, Harry Nyquist
@internetsdairy Turn into a newt, brute
@internetsdairy Spontaenously self-combust, angel dust
@internetsdairy “Kill yourself, Nigel” is lyrical genius.
@Nickiquote and sound advice for one particular Nigel
@internetsdairy Is that really all, Paul?
@inpc @internetsdairy 👏👏👏👏
@internetsdairy Shaft 😆😆😆
@internetsdairy missed opportunity to name-drop Salma Hayek
@giflian ??? Move to Alabama, Salma?"
@internetsdairy "or your kayak, Hayek" (to avoid doubling on Jack)
@internetsdairy it is an impressive list
@internetsdairy I think it's unfair to expect Paul Simon to have heard of Steve Cram in 1975.
@internetsdairy Likewise Mark Knopfler 😃
@internetsdairy Split up the CD’s, Phoebe.
We're skirting the problem of the fifty-one cassettes again there. #TOTP
@internetsdairy Date her best friend, Ken.
@internetsdairy Seduce his daddy, Maddie.
We stan a petty bitch.
@internetsdairy Bribe the children, Mildred.
@internetsdairy it's also directed only at men (at least based on the names given in the chorus).
Everyone else will have to come up with their own list I guess
@giflian mine are more inclusive, Im up to 20 hold on
@internetsdairy "steal their cat, Nat"
@internetsdairy There's only one, really.
I'm leavin', Steven.
@internetsdairy no need to be coy Roy isn’t even a way to leave your lover, is it.
@internetsdairy
Take their rake, Jake!
@internetsdairy I'm giving you the shove, bruv
@internetsdairy It's not you, it's me, Rodney.
That's presumably why they needed to "sleep on it tonight", in the hope that by the morning, they'd have thought of the other 45.