Today we had to tell two semi-regular customers that we would not be serving them any more.
It wasn't dramatic. It was a quiet conversation in the back booth.
It was not a decision that we made lightly, but it had to be done.
For months, these two old, white codgers have been making our staff uncomfortable, making misogynistic, racist and homophobic comments and "jokes", either directly to staff or within earshot.
Majority of our staff are female, female-presenting, trans or queer.
It started with one member of staff.
When she told us what happened, we told her to get someone else to serve them if she didn't feel comfortable.
Over time, the only ones who felt ok serving them were the two cis-het men. One was my husband, and the other was a young casual staffer.
There are multiple layers to this
As a first generation migrant business right in the heart of a very predominantly white neighbourhood, our existence and success is precarious.
Yes, Australia is multicultural, but the dominant rhetoric is that we (migrants) must be *thankful* that we are allowed to live and work here.
Don't rock the boat. Don't push back.
Assimilate. Laugh off the disrespect.
Then there's the misogyny.
If anyone other than my cis-het male husband brought it up with these two men, they would not have taken it seriously - blaming the younger generation for being sensitive and easily offended.
They actually did say this when he spoke to them. That they were just *joking* and that the staff were being sensitive.
This is why men - and particularly millennial, gen-X and boomer men - need to step up and call out bad behaviour when they see it.
Because the sad truth is that these are the only people that perpetrators *might* take seriously.
I am so proud of my husband for standing up for our staff despite being in a vulnerable position.
He handled it really well. He sat down and had a proper chat with them about how their behaviour has impacted our staff. I think one of the two men actually felt a little bad/embarrassed.
(The other one just had a hill that he wanted to die on 🤷).
I just really hope that it gave these men (or at least one of them) something to think about, and perhaps (?) they will be more aware of how their words affect those around them.
Because while it makes me rage, the goal is not to alienate these people, but to try and get them to understand and reflect on their behaviour.
champion!
💐
no one is ever going to immediately appreciate being told they are wrong, but the key, imo, is to shatter the assumption that they are in a majority
sounds like one of them might alter his behaviour a little. this is a bonus on top of the excellent outcome for your staff
and seriously, as you seem to have a diverse staff, those two must be jerks to carry on like that
@maudenificent yes. That's totally it.
Shatter the illusion that they are the majority and that age or growing up in a particular era means that you can't learn/change.
@nihilistnomya @maudenificent Speaking as an older white man, there are many things which were normal (and not socially sanctioned) in my youth, and which I did, of which I am now deeply ashamed.
Times and mores change; I believe that, over my lifetime, they have changed very significantly for the better (but I also think that some of the gains, especially #Trans recognition, are now at risk).
@simon_brooke @maudenificent thank you for listening and learning, because that is all we can do as we are exposed to more information and stories from people whose experiences differ from our own.
I have had to do my own share of learning (and unlearning) over the years as well.
I don't think we can go too far wrong keeping our hearts and minds open, while helping to hold the fort to protect the gains that have been made.
Jul 24, 2026, 7:31 AM@nihilistnomya Thank you for sharing this story and courage to you both for calling out the everydayness of this kind of conduct in Australia.
@nihilistnomya Their generation scoffs at people getting their feelings hurt but they're also the ones who insist on taking it to the police when someone percussively resets their consciousness for being cunts. 🤷🏽 Who is the more sensitive, really.
@Linza 🤣💯
@nihilistnomya yeah I once had to do something similar, a local politician who could easily make life very difficult for my little restaurant started being like that. Then escalated to being creepy with one of my team. Somehow knew her name and all about a complaint she had made about her bins at home. I hesitated until the touching started (her hand) and then he was gone. I should have acted much sooner but I was scared. Lesson learned, and now I call that shit out as soon as I see it.
@PhilMcface that's horrible. I'm so sorry that you (and your team) had to deal with that.
Thank you for eventually taking a stand and protecting your team member.
It's not easy, especially when the person can make life quite difficult for you, and you don't know how they will react.
We will also be learning from this and acting sooner rather than later.
@nihilistnomya yeah it’s not easy to deal with, and so common, particularly with the kind of folks who eat out in places like mine was. I had so many bad experiences with the public as a chef/restaurateur that I burned out. Sold up and eventually left the industry. So I have the deepest of respect for you and everyone working in hospitality. And utter contempt for anyone who does not. Well done for taking that stand. ✊
@nihilistnomya Thank you and your husband for drawing a line.
I really doubt that the people you describe will introspect or think at all, regardless-
“You can lead a fool to knowledge but you can’t make them think”
Please know that you’re among allies.
Some of us would die to protect the safe, diverse richness of Melbourne.
@nihilistnomya as a white cis presenting gen x gay male, you would be surprised how often I struggle to say no to behaviour that I would not accept from friends, in my workplace. I deal with tradespeople, providing customer/tech support. I am trying to do my bit to make difference more accepted, but I do choose my battles. I will do the “do you think they would make similar criticism of us? “ or the “they are just like us, trying to make a living and provide for their families “ but I admit also, that supporting an industry that has a lot of migrant workers also helps.
I do despair of how many people do not see that people are people, and we all have the same basic needs and desires with some variations, and being treated with decency is the first place that they should start
@stufromoz oh we definitely pick our battles too.
Not all hills are worth dying on.
We have lots of trades and construction folk that come through and use our space as a meeting venue.
Some of the conversation that carries is *highly questionable*, but as you say, they are just regular people. We know nothing about their history and are only seeing a snippet of who they are.
We draw the line when it is repetitive behaviour that negatively impacts our staff, because we have a duty of care and they deserve to feel safe at work :)
@nihilistnomya absolutely. If staff feel threatened, management have to take steps. And it is rarely easy.
@nihilistnomya @stufromoz
This is key. Drawing a line, in a place you can defend it, then defending as required.
Hats off to your courage.
Jul 24, 2026, 11:54 AM@nihilistnomya I had this issue in my cafe with someone saying a few racist and transphobic (about a friend finding her voice in stand up comedy) things to me. We got into an argument and he left.
The cafe is a night cafe that does open mics and when I told others about it, they went on about him being part of the community. So I let him back in... Perfectly polite but not particularly warm towards him (he often complained that I might ban him again which has others telling me I "had" to be nicer to the guy).
It was a terrible terrible idea. Racism was now negotiable and others started in on it in more subtle (and not so subtle) ways. People I thought I should be safe around.
I see a racial attack as an inevitability. My parents drove taxis for a living and dad had been physically attacked several times, the taxis torched, windows broken etc. This was my norm growing up. Something would happen affecting their livelihoods because people don't care about their right to make a living. You didn't make waves because that would probably make things worse or people would reveal themselves as seeing you as lesser than.
When people see you as undeserving/unworthy/less than, even if they're not the ones attacking you, looking for ways to blame you for your own attack is heartbreaking. There's nothing quite so isolating as feeling like you have to justify your... worthiness of existence. Especially when it's to people you consider friends.
Anyway, I've banned the guy again. Some of the others have up and left. I'm expecting an argument from someone who's overseas at the moment. Business is terrible.
And yet I'm feeling relieved about it.
Deb
this is good, but I didn't see where you attempted to get the customers to change before banning them ?
maybe I missed it ?
sorry
@failedLyndonLaRouchite We spoke to staff about different scenarios and they told us that they still wouldn't feel comfortable serving them.
One of the (many) things they did was proposition a young girl (19) and 'joked' about taking her home with them.
This is a family-friendly cafe.
Her parents are also regulars at our shop.
Our staff's safety takes priority over opportunities for customers to learn basic respect.
@nihilistnomya
Your story (and your behaviour and the one of your husband) reminded me of this piece I recently read and enjoyed : https://www.pivot-club.com/p/i-accidentally-went-undercover-to
(The title sounds somehow a clickbait, but the article itself is very nuanced and thoughtful)
@nihilistnomya excellent work to stand up for your staff. You're there to sell food, not provide a venue for insulting and humiliating people. These ex-customers have to recognise that their actions have actual real world consequences. Respect has to go both ways.
@CaraBruar our only regret is that we didn't do it sooner. 😔
@nihilistnomya surely there's an old white person pub they can eat at somewhere far from you where they can feel more comfortable 😔
@nihilistnomya Sorry you all had to go through that, but it sounded like you handled it very well. I'm baffled why people in 2026 still think it's ok to make those sorts of jokes etc... where have they been the last few decades?
@timrichards you'd be surprised.
There are people in our friend groups that are like this 😬 although they are probably more careful about what they say in public.
We do call them out, but I feel strongly that it's a journey and it takes a long time to change thought patterns and behaviour.
I just feel like no one has properly called these guys out. Or at least given them any real consequences.
@timrichards they think it's a fad, speak out where they feel safe, might even complain they're being oppressed for getting told how to behave. Where have they been? In power, never questioning themselves, never getting questioned, that's where.
@nihilistnomya I hope they do reflect on this, sounds like at least one had some insight and felt some responsibility.
Good on you, and husband for acting, if let pass it just gets worse
@nihilistnomya well done to all involved. None of this should happen and it sounds like you all handled it well. So sorry all of you had to do this, but it's really great that you did it in a peaceful and caring manner for all involved.
@ephemeral my husband calls it using 'carebear' tactics.
Employing empathy on the offensive rather than just passively or on the defence 🤣
@nihilistnomya it's what I do too, when managing conflict. It's effective!
@nihilistnomya @ephemeral I love this term and may need to borrow it from your husband.
@nihilistnomya 👍💯👍
@nihilistnomya Exactly. Men need to step up on this, not only because they are the only people that perpetrators *might* take seriously, but also because if they just stay quiet about it, that comes across as being on the side of the perpetrators. It's not easy, but it's even less easy for other people to call it out - the "being sensitive" thing.
@nihilistnomya I have and will again call out this sort of thing, but I am privileged beyond being white and male.
Not all white males are. I am in a position of authority at work, with an employer that supports diversity. Many men of my age (early 60s) with other employers suffer ageism.
I can defend myself if I have to: I am in good health and practice a martial art. Some have frailties that would make confrontation very risky.
Lots of this stuff is invisible.
So: "not all men." Sorry.
@EI3JDB
I'm not saying that men need to put themselves at risk.
In fact, please don't if there is potential for you to get hurt.
My point is that male perpetrators often only listen to other men, which is why it is important for more men to speak up.
In our case, my husband was the only one who could effectively.
@nihilistnomya There *is* risk, though: the sort of **** that will be cruel to others for no reason likely doesn't care about the feelings of other white men either. And the old-fashioned attitude often includes a measure of violence, and a view that violence towards other men is acceptable.
They're also often bullies in other ways. If they can get you fired/arrested/etc. that is a risk too.
I'm privileged and I call it when I see it. Not all men are, and I don't blame them for silence.
@nihilistnomya it's always "just a joke" right up until it isn't :blobcatglare:
Although didn't you hear? According to PH it's a two-way street 🙃
@nihilistnomya
The White guys are the illegal migrants.
Jul 24, 2026, 11:33 AM
@nihilistnomya I feel like there was a good chance they made other customers uncomfortable as well.
@sashin I wouldn't be surprised 🫠
@nihilistnomya You did well! 🙂
It's completely wild that they thought that was okay
@sashin Echo chambers are powerful things.
No matter where you are on the polItical spectrum.
@nihilistnomya well done for sticking up for your staff!
@LyallMorrison it was a team effort.
Husband deserves all the props though 💜
@nihilistnomya It's not that folk are easily offended, but that bigots of any stripe are so easily offensive.
@nihilistnomya Anyone can make a joke (or a "joke") that fails to land. But most of us can tell the difference between "we're all laughing" and "I'm laughing, they look upset." Further, most of us are aware of the power differential--people on the job aren't free to just walk away if they don't like what a customer's saying. You don't have to understand what wasn't funny to perceive that it wasn't funny.
@nihilistnomya Total respect for you!. This needs to happen more often. There is absolutely no excuse for their behaviour.
Jul 24, 2026, 7:46 AMI hope your sales increase.
@vervain 💜
@nihilistnomya so proud of you and your husband!