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  • Graham Sutherland / Polynomialgsuberland@chaos.social
    Jan 6, 2025, 10:09 AM

    delivery options in the UK:

    UPS: our drivers are wearing shorts 365 days of the year. this magically results in packages arriving. we're not sure how this works either.

    Royal Mail: is it a letter? we're good at letters. haven't quite got the hang of boxes though.

    Yodel: we thought about delivering it and it's the thought that counts.

    Evri, wearing a fake moustache and a t-shirt that says "totally not Hermes": your package has been thrown in a bush just off the M6. fuck you.

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Replies

  • Graham Sutherland / Polynomialgsuberland@chaos.social
    Jan 6, 2025, 10:21 AM

    DPD: your package will either be delivered by Gwen or Larry. Gwen has a 5 star customer service award and is very friendly. Larry is practicing to become an olympic shot putter and your parcel is his chance to win big.

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  • Graham Sutherland / Polynomialgsuberland@chaos.social
    Jan 6, 2025, 10:48 AM

    DHL: we delivered your package. you owe us the import duty plus £19 for prepaying the import duty. no we do not have a way for you to prepay the import duty ahead of time. pay us £19. no it's not a loan with a 36500% APR it's a duty advancement fee. pay us £19. no it does not matter that we were actually hired by the retailer and have no contract with you. pay us £19. we are definitely not attempting to extort £19 from you. pay us £19. pay us £19.

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  • Greem (Graeme. Not Graham!)greem@cyberplace.social
    Jan 6, 2025, 11:23 AM

    @gsuberland DHL: we've shipped your parcel, here's the detailed route it took across Germany and the Netherlands before arriving in the UK and being handed over to Parcelforce.

    Parcelforce: we have no record of this tracking number.

    Parcelforce: We still have no record of this tracking number.

    7 days pass

    Parcelforce: we have no record of the tracking number because UK Customs rejected your package. No, we weren't going to tell you and neither were they.

    (actual true story)

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  • Calyo Lucere-Delphidragonarchitect@rubber.social
    Jan 8, 2026, 3:10 PM

    @whitequark @gsuberland I've pretty much decided to never buy anything from Blackstyle again (I'm a kinkster, ofc I know some kinky retailers) *because* they only use DHL and the shipping costs alone have always hyperinflated my orders by 200% AFTER I have clicked the "Pay now" button.

    DHL are professional extortionists fencing as a logistics operation. >:(

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  • Jonty Wareingjonty@chaos.social
    Aug 11, 2026, 6:58 PM

    @gsuberland FedEx: Your parcel has been launched into our globally distributed shipping pinball machine and will arrive once it has bounced off a high scoring number of delivery centers. Pray we do not get a multiball.

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  • Graham Sutherland / Polynomialgsuberland@chaos.social
    Aug 11, 2026, 9:31 PM

    @jonty or, in my case, FedEx: we will try to charge you £280 and send debt collectors after you because we arbitrarily decided that your package made us do too much customs paperwork, even though you never asked us to do anything and we already delivered the parcel.

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  • Walter van Holstwhvholst@eupolicy.social
    Aug 11, 2026, 6:36 PM

    @gsuberland Funny that, DPD is the one here most likely to deliver your package in a state that suggests that the driver has used it as a boxing exercise object.

    I mean, at least it is not DHL, in which case you are glad that it got mis-delivered in the same city as its nominal destination address.

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  • Cadbury MooseCadbury_Moose@wandering.shop
    Aug 11, 2026, 7:06 PM

    @whvholst @gsuberland

    DPD delivery drivers all went through the "Mad Max School of Safer Driving" before being employed. I have seen _two_ of their vans on the back of beavertail recovery trucks, having been rolled through at least 360 degrees - every panel was caved in.

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  • Urban HermitUrban_Hermit@mstdn.social
    Aug 12, 2026, 5:19 AM

    @Cadbury_Moose @whvholst @gsuberland I briefly tried to work for the US mail service. You know those implied 4 way stops on small residential streets? No mail driver who survived the first 30 days stops at anything "implied".

    The advice from an experienced driver when I was being retrained prior to getting let go because I wasn't fast enough - throw more packages, sometimes all the way up into the cab from the back door, and slam more mail box doors until the latching mechanism loosens up.

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  • Jon Woodjon@blankpad.net
    Aug 11, 2026, 10:08 PM

    @gsuberland DPD got really good at getting packages to me after I opened a support ticket pointing out they’d misdelivered the apology cookie they’d attempted to send me because I complained they kept sending my parcels to the same person up the road. I only knew the cookie had been misdelivered because that same person called me to say he had another of my parcels.

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  • Jon Woodjon@blankpad.net
    Aug 11, 2026, 10:09 PM

    @gsuberland I assume there’s now a giant note on my account saying DO NOT SEND PARCELS TO NUMBER 3, WE WILL FIRE YOU IF YOU DO.

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  • Dee in Londondee@treehouse.systems
    Jan 6, 2025, 10:22 AM

    @gsuberland DPD: Gianni will deliver your package between 10:06 and 11:06.

    He's a minute early, and waits long enough for you to get to the door.

    If retailers let me choose which provider I'd only ever choose DPD.

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  • Graham Sutherland / Polynomialgsuberland@chaos.social
    Jan 6, 2025, 10:24 AM

    @dee DPD has the best and worst drivers, but nothing in between. We've mostly had good ones, luckily, but a couple who were clearly trying out for various sports where the goal is to launch an object with as much force as humanly possible.

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  • I love this, so Ijpm@aus.social
    Jan 6, 2025, 10:37 AM

    @gsuberland delivery options in .au:

    Toll/FedEx - your package-carer today is Steve, who will gently but promptly ensure your precious cargo is with you by the end of the day.

    AusPost - we don’t really do letters anymore, so now you can watch your package do laps around the 3 major sorting centres in real time!

    DHL - oh you missed the delivery? You’ll need to pick it up from the depot on the other side of the city. Even if you live on the other side of the city, it will be at the other depot on the other side of the city. Also for some reason your package went from Hong Kong to Sydney via Frankfurt.

    Aramex - our “we are not Couriers Please” t-shirts are raising a lot of questions already answered by our t-shirts. No, we don’t know why there’s an industrial shredder just inside every third loading dock instead of a forklift, it was like that when we re-branded from Couriers Please.

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  • BeeCycling has movedbeecycling@romancelandia.club
    Jan 6, 2025, 11:18 AM

    @gsuberland At this point if I can't do click and collect, or local collect at the post office up the road, or send it to the Amazon & John Lewis collections counter at Waitrose round the corner, I'm not ordering it. Don't mock me by telling me my parcel is delivered, only for it to be nowhere in sight.

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  • lonely extrovertrothko@beige.party
    Jan 6, 2025, 1:59 PM

    @gsuberland USPS: we attempted delivery of your medication but the scanner told us it was an insufficient address even though it was complete. so we brought it back to the post office and returned it to sender.

    not like we'll bother to mention it. why would you even want to know that?

    oh and we're flagging your address as incorrect now, so the canadian pharmacy is just sitting on the replacement shipment until it's resolved but nobody even knows about that. you could try your local pharmacy, it’s $1800 for a 30-day supply.

    you wanted that when...? not this month. better pony up another $1800.

    ....omfg if this shit doesn't show up tomorrow as per the tracking site, i am going to lose my fucking mind. literally, because this is my major antidepressant and if i have to resort to the generic (just to prove to the insurance company that it doesn't work and they really need to cover the brand name so i can stop this canadian pharmacy nightmare), i will literally lose my fucking mind.

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  • Sue Archersuearcher@toot.wales
    Aug 11, 2026, 7:48 PM

    @gsuberland

    I dunno about good at letters for Royal Mail any more. Someone tried to send me a card recently, and it was returned to them with a sticker that said "Address Inaccessible". I have no idea at what point in the last week our house became inaccessible, since we're been in and out successfully every day....

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  • Graham Sutherland / Polynomialgsuberland@chaos.social
    Aug 11, 2026, 9:27 PM

    @suearcher although you also just reminded me of my favourite royal mail "we missed you" card, which also said that the address was unreachable. but they put the card through the letterbox. 🤔

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