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  • David Ruffnerdavidruffner@masto.nyc
    Oct 15, 2026, 2:47 AM

    I am coaching my son's U10 rec soccer team, and am having difficulty with two kids who have been verbally fighting. For some reason that I don't understand yet, one of the kids resorts to insults against the other kid. I've talked to both kids, but it is still happening. I try to give empathy to the kids, using non-violent communication. I do not control the kids and how they react to each other, but there are things I can control. I want to focus on those things.

    #coaching
    #nvc

    1/N

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Replies

  • David Ruffnerdavidruffner@masto.nyc
    Oct 15, 2026, 2:55 AM

    I am curious to hear other people's experience with managing conflict between kids in a group setting. What works over the long term to encourage good relationships between the kids? Also how do you balance managing the conflict with give attention to the other kids who are not involved in the conflict?

    2/N, N=2

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  • MinmiTheDinominmi@sfba.social
    Oct 15, 2026, 3:01 AM

    @davidruffner oof solidarity. The only relationship I’ve really had to think about was between my kids, but that’s such a different dynamic since they love each other and know they have to work things out. Plus they’re still very young.

    I wonder what the motivation behind this conflict is…

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  • David Ruffnerdavidruffner@masto.nyc
    Oct 15, 2026, 1:52 PM

    @kristinHenry Do you mean asking the two kids in the conflict or the rest of the team? Both could be good.

    I have been asking the kids in the conflict about it. So I guess I do know a decent amount about what is involved. One kid uses insults, player A. He did the worst insults after the other player, player B, criticized him for attempting a fancy play that didn't work. So I think player A is needing respect, understanding, and competence (he wants to be one of the good players).

    @minmi

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  • David Ruffnerdavidruffner@masto.nyc
    Oct 15, 2026, 2:44 PM

    @kristinHenry @minmi player B is a little older and one of our goalies. He has reached out to me when player A has done insults. I guess he's probably needing emotional safety and respect.

    Writing it out made me think more about it. I think I have a better sense of next things I can do.

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  • MinmiTheDinominmi@sfba.social
    Oct 15, 2026, 3:03 PM

    @davidruffner @kristinHenry

    Here’s what I would probably do if it were my kids, if it helps. Get them both in a quiet moment and lay out the scenario:

    “Ok, here’s what I saw happen: player A, you went out of your comfort zone and tried something, but it didn’t work. When you try something and it works, that feels great. When it doesn’t, it really sucks. So you’re already feeling low. Then player B, you criticized player A for trying something that didn’t help the team, because you were frustrated. That made player A feel even worse, and feel like he needed to defend himself. Then player A, you used some insults to try to protect yourself. Now everyone feels terrible. Did I get that right? How should this play out next time so that we’re all working as a team?”

    Then see what the two of them can come up with that gets the team to a better place.

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  • David Ruffnerdavidruffner@masto.nyc
    Oct 15, 2026, 1:18 PM

    @minmi thanks! Yeah it's similar for me. I have lots of experience helping my two boys to work out conflicts. But like your kids they love each other, so I know my kids will try. This situation with soccer team players is different, because I don't know the kids as well and I don't think they are friends.

    I will definitely put some thought it what is going on and ask based on what I'm guessing.

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  • James R.B. Eastwoodjrbe@scholar.social
    Oct 15, 2026, 1:30 PM

    @davidruffner @minmi my 5yo got into a fight with a kid in his 3-5 preschool soccer class. My kid was mad that the other kisnstole the ball from him, and started trying to hit the other kid and then telling him he was bad for stealing. I pulled him out and talked to him about his feelings, and respect for other people. Turns out he was overwhelmed by the emotions of competitive play (one of the reasons we put him in this class!) so we talked a lot about those feelings and what to do with them.

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  • David Ruffnerdavidruffner@masto.nyc
    Oct 15, 2026, 3:00 PM

    @jrbe @minmi Aw, I could see my 5 y/o doing that. Yes competitive play can bring up a lot of emotion. It can be hard to handle.

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