Ex-wife told me she would always find my bitten nail remains around the house all the time, so first year separated I decided to keep every clipping. I collect them in a whisky glass, there are hundreds. No wonder she was mad. Owner of a disgusting collection of my own body parts

Slowly taking down the company I work for little by little by stealing dishwasher tablets, I haven't bought dishwasher tablets for 5 years now.

I'm in my late 40s and retired - no kids, big tech jobs with a few big payoffs, so have long since paid the mortgage and have easily enough to live comfortably. But I can't face telling most of my friends, who are skint and struggling, so I say I'm freelance consulting.

I'm an animal rescuer. Once rescued a bat that was trapped in some netting. Later, she accidentally bit my thumb, mistaking it for a grape during feeding. Sadly, I did not turn into Batman.

Our boss likes to tell us about people he's had conflict with, and refers to them as a Karen. Recent examples being the HR lady who made him fill out a form, or the receptionist who made him move his car. He seems to forget my name is Karen. I'm keeping a log of every incident.

2009-ish. Shared a bunch of memes and shitposts about the Thai Crown Prince, now King, his then-wife, and their dog Fufu. Now current employer wants to send me there on a business trip so I'm making myself too ill to travel.

Recently came into some money. Decided to buy a high-end hi-fi system. Spent over five grand. It sounds the same as my cheapo system I bought from Richer Sounds in the late nineties. Can't tell my wife.

A guy at work hated the play 'Waiting for Godot'. I persuaded random people at the company to say how they'd loved reading the play's script when they worked with him.

Bob, the spider, has built, and occasionally rebuilds, a web which cuts off about a fifth of my garden, my clothesline, and my hose. But he has a name now, so I could never stomach destroy his home. This isn't how I had visualised cohabiting in my 50s.

I have just discovered that our outside tap splits from the supply before the meter. Which is quite lucky considering how much water we used over the summer watering the vegetables and plants.

I recently had to video myself answering questions for work. Just me and my phone, and a few stock questions. I found the whole experience excruciating. But.I can't stop watching myself back if I get the opportunity.

Everyone wants to hear your secret. Send it via the form: https://b3ta.com/addfess

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess

I used each of: kettle; microwave; drip coffee maker; stove top, to make each of: tea; coffee; cocoa. I can report that all 12 resulting beverages were drinkable. Use whatever workflow you prefer. Fess is that I did this experiment six times this year so far.

I coach my son's U15 football team. I have been with them the last 6 years. I recently found out that the parents have a separate WhatsApp group and discuss my match day decisions and training techniques. Some parents can be dicks. Last season coaching.

My wife never folds in her car keys when not in use, they can hang on the key hook with the car key unfolded & it irritates me to the point I have to fold it in. I know it's irrational but it's just wrong. There must be a collective name for these people.

Just farted after hours holding them in a work. I'm unloading the dishwasher and need a shit badly. The low resonance timbre could be used in a BBC sound effects collection for the unzipping of a large suitcase

I've played chess in professional tournaments. I still privately refer to knights as "horsies".

I've secretly eaten the entire stash of pot noodles that I told the family was only to be used to sustain us in the event of el Nino zombie apocalypse.

There's an article about Trump getting his own personal TV channel, which was just about Gorillas fighting. I told my co-workers about this, a few months ago. Today I found out this article was fictional, and am now dreading my colleagues finding out what a gullible fool I am