1
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: ssso i underssstand that you all really like dolly parton
Poe: joanne please don't
Rowling: SSILENCCCCE!
Rowling: thisss isssn't over, edgar!
Rowling: it will never be over!
Rowling: not until you all love me jusst like you love your beloved dolly parton!!!
Poe:
2
Rowling: sso you all think dolly parton iss sssso great
Poe: seriously, joanne, this happened a month ago
Rowling: wow edgar talking over women much?
Rowling: jussst like a transsss, issn't it?
Poe: i'm not
Rowling: you're all transss!
Rowling: everyone isss transs!
Rowling: you're all againssst me!
3
Rowling: anyway
Rowling: i've decided to reform to be like dolly parton in every way
Edward Lee: bro
Lee: bro!!
Rowling: not that way
Lee: [sad] bro
4
Rowling: by being like dolly parton in every way, i meant
Rowling: whatsss the one thing that everyone loved about dolly parton?
Edward Lee: her boobs, bro
Rowling: no, besides that
Lee: but bro!
Lee: did you see them?
Lee: they were like so big!
5
Lee: bro, like, dolly parton's jaboohoobies were like
Lee: i mean they were SO BIG
Lee: they had to be like
Lee: bro i can't even imagine
Lee: like almost D cup
Lee: the biggest size that exists
Poe: jaboohoobies?
Lee: yeah bro jaboohoobies
6
Rowling: i'm ssspeaking of the other reasson that people liked dolly parton
Poe: her incredible generosity of spirit?
Rowling: yessss, that
Rowling: in that sssame ssspirit, i'm donating the first harry potter book to literary programs
Rowling: sso remember
Rowling: the firssst one iss free, kidss
7
Rowling: ha ha ha my cunning plan reaches fruition
Rowling: once the children are hooked on harry potter
Rowling: they'll only want more, more, MORE
Rowling: and then they'll need the hard ssstuff
Rowling: cormorant ssstrike!
Rowling: ha ha ha!
8
Barker: so your plan hinges on the first harry potter being so good that kids have to read the whole series?
Rowling: it worked before
Barker: uh huh
Barker: in the 90s
Barker: today's kids are different, joanne
Barker: look at joe
Joe Hill: i love spinning fidgets and buying widgets
9
Rowling: bah! harry potter is a timeless tale!
Rowling: it will sstill appeal to today'sss kidss
Rowling: and if it doesssn't
Rowling: i know a certain government that'ss going to be getting a call
Rowling: the UK government
Poe: but joanne
Rowling: they work for me!!
10
JK Rowling: hello today's children
Rowling: can i interessst you in a harry potter?
Rowling: itss a rollicking adventure sstory about a gender conforming boy who lovess sssport
11
Joe Hill: i only read stories about my blorbo
Grady Hendrix: [doing sick flip on skateboard] how much RAM megaherz computer does it have
Dean Koontz: i need content warnings on every page, just in case a dog dies. and if there is a dog in it, then i want to be able to pet it
12
JK Rowling: confound it!!!
Rowling: thessse modern children will be the death of me!!
Barker: ha ha Rowling: SHUT UP
@bitterkarella - can I pet the dog!!!!!!!!
The dog is only a dog during a full moon, or when on the run from the law. So - maybe?
Oct 22, 2026, 9:32 PM@bitterkarella huh, it never dawned on me that Harry Potter is, indeed, a goddamn jock
Oct 21, 2026, 10:28 PM@bitterkarella [sad] bro is best bro.