How many widows and widowers are there out there who have simply stopped telling people about this aspect of themselves, so that they can maintain a normal social life? Maybe they speak about "my first wife/husband" and let people think it ended in divorce. Maybe they just stop talking about the relationship entirely.
And so the stigma persists.
6/
I'm tired of secrecy. I'm tired of invisibility. I'm proud of being a widow. I don't want people's pity and fear, I want them to see the person flourishing in front of them. The person who loved, and continues to love in memoriam. The person who got on with life because that's what we do.
Bereavement was not the end of me and it needn't be the end of you. You can hold loss— substantial loss— and still live after. Still love after.
(Oh, go on, then: "still laugh after", for the trio).
7/
But I hate the fact that my existence, apparently, is triggering for people. If I decide to be visible as a widow I end up having to do other people's emotional labour around it. That's exhausting.
I just wish people could be normal, y'know? I wish they didn't feel overcome with sorrow and obliged to mention it, as soon as I disclose my marital status. I wish they could meet me where I am, see me as I am. That they could react in empathy instead of sympathy.
8/
"I'm sorry for your loss".
Then take a minute to feel your feelings, I guess, and let me know when we can go back to what I was actually saying.
Fin/
Bonus content
Because I feel like being constructive, here's some examples of what responding with empathy looks like:
"Seems like you two had your share of adventures together."
"Hah! She sounds like she was a riot!"
"It's so sweet that you keep that tradition alive."
I cannot overstate how much more seen I feel by that sort of response.
@Tattie I would really like to hear someone say something similar about my mom.
The having someone die that you loved club is very hidden. But it is a lot more people than I thought. I used to talk a lot to people who knew what mourning was because I couldn't stand to be around people that didn't.
Then we all mourn differently. I am still crying sometimes after 20 years.
@Tattie as someone who spent most of my life learning painful lessons about socially acceptable ways to tell/not tell people my dad died when i was 6 months old: yeah... thanks for this.
@chrisamaphone ooft. I can imagine people were extremely weird about that, yeah. 😫