"Hebrides": when you forget the word "grooms".

Bip-bip-bip-bip-bip
Dubba-dubba-dubba-dubba-dub

Me: "Ooh, you know those funny little noises I make when I'm concentrating?"
GF: "Yeah?"
Me: "Are those vocal stims?"
GF (slowly, incredulously): "Yes?"

It's not like I hadn't heard the term before, and yet somehow I never connected it to the little noises I have made all my life.

Kinda telling how menstrual products are (rightly!) considered vital enough to be distributed in public bathrooms, and yet still aren't one of the items you'll find placed in a hotel bathroom.

But sure, there's a trouser press. 🙄

I think you see where I'm going with this. Almost a century after the first books were written, we can very clearly recognise a portrayal of someone with neurodivergent traits, perhaps of an #AuDHD person. When I read the books in the eighties, I very clearly recognised me.
2/

Anyone remember Professor Branestawm? He was a children's book character who typified the "absent-minded professor" archetype. Highly focused on one thing at a time, so much so that he could be almost completely unaware of the world around him. Forgetful, clumsy, prone to leaps of logic, and having an unusual vocabulary. Eccentric in dress and tastes, childlike at times, with terrible understanding of social skills and norms, which drives him to prefer time alone or with close friends...
1/

So this is a typical exchange:
"My god, people getting grabbed by secret police on the streets; this isn't the America I know."
"How ignorant of you! America was set up by rich white supremacist men; this is what America has been from the start!"

And, you know, I get the call to examine the country's history. But.
2/

Growing up, I used to despise the way Americans talked about America. The desperate need to assert supremacy in every sphere ("USA number one!"). The blind conviction that they have "freedom" and nobody else does. The smugness, the self-satisfaction.

But of late I've increasingly seen the opposite, and, honestly, that seems equally toxic.
1/

As an autistic woman I love an infodump, both as speaker and listener. There's something so "in the zone" about it, just letting the facts tumble out one after another.

Have I ever seen infodumping mislabeled as mansplaining? Honestly, no. I have seen accusations of mansplaining deployed disingenuously to win an internet argument, but that's its own thing, and pretty transparently bogus.

Infodumping, done right, is a mutually respectful activity, which makes it fundamentally different to mansplaining.
Fin/

Finally, it is a sad but real phenomenon that misogynists often hide behind [pretended or real] neurodivergence as a smokescreen for their bad behaviour. This is fucking shitty, and impacts both women and neurodivergent folks— and neurodivergent women doubly so.

This is why an argument of "my behaviour looks like sexism but it's actually neurodivergence" is increasingly regarded, rightly, as a red flag by women. I highly recommend putting as much distance as you can between yourself and this crowd— they will try to drag you down with them.
4/

And if your infodumping is genuinely difficult to distinguish from mansplaining, that suggests the problem is deeper, and you might indeed have some sexist attitudes to work on. Did you ascertain the level of knowledge the woman you're talking to has, or did you assume it? Did you start your comment by acknowledging and building from what she already brought to a discussion or did you launch directly into lecture mode?

Working against sexism is not just a responsibility of neurotypical people. Neurodivergent people, too, have to examine the ways that sexism might be leaking into their neurodivergent ways of being and communicating.
3/

I've seen a lot of comments from neurodivergent people bewailing "what if my infodumping is mistaken for mansplaining?"

In many cases I think this is a misunderstanding of what mansplaining is and looks like. It can also come from, unfortunately to say, a place of mistrust of women and their ability to distinguish between when they are being spoken to in a respectful way vs. a patronising way.
2/

Since it's come up again recently:

Mansplaining is not infodumping and infodumping is not mansplaining

Features of mansplaining:

• Underestimates the domain knowledge that the (female) listener has, often drastically so
• Typically overestimates the domain knowledge that the (male) speaker has, and so is surface-level and/or inaccurate

Features of infodumping:

• Comes from a place of genuine deep domain knowledge; the speaker has a special interest in the subject and is very motivated to get details right
• Typically over estimates the domain knowledge of the listener; c.f. https://xkcd.com/2501/

1/

If it's men only, what about transfem eggs?

Must be both traumatic and confusing when all the other guys jump overboard, leaving just you and the handful of women sailors aboard.

🧜🏻‍♀️ "Not you, sweetie, you'll figure out why eventually."🧜🏻‍♀️

🧜🏻‍♀️ Sirens🧜🏻‍♀️ have arrived to lure sailors to a watery grave! But who does their song actually affect?

Bonus content

Because I feel like being constructive, here's some examples of what responding with empathy looks like:

"Seems like you two had your share of adventures together."

"Hah! She sounds like she was a riot!"

"It's so sweet that you keep that tradition alive."

I cannot overstate how much more seen I feel by that sort of response.

"I'm sorry for your loss".

Then take a minute to feel your feelings, I guess, and let me know when we can go back to what I was actually saying.
Fin/

But I hate the fact that my existence, apparently, is triggering for people. If I decide to be visible as a widow I end up having to do other people's emotional labour around it. That's exhausting.

I just wish people could be normal, y'know? I wish they didn't feel overcome with sorrow and obliged to mention it, as soon as I disclose my marital status. I wish they could meet me where I am, see me as I am. That they could react in empathy instead of sympathy.
8/

I'm tired of secrecy. I'm tired of invisibility. I'm proud of being a widow. I don't want people's pity and fear, I want them to see the person flourishing in front of them. The person who loved, and continues to love in memoriam. The person who got on with life because that's what we do.

Bereavement was not the end of me and it needn't be the end of you. You can hold loss— substantial loss— and still live after. Still love after.

(Oh, go on, then: "still laugh after", for the trio).
7/

How many widows and widowers are there out there who have simply stopped telling people about this aspect of themselves, so that they can maintain a normal social life? Maybe they speak about "my first wife/husband" and let people think it ended in divorce. Maybe they just stop talking about the relationship entirely.

And so the stigma persists.
6/