Happy Friday everyone! Wishing you all some wonder and delight this week!

My birthday is in one week, it’s been a weird, mostly hard year to be honest. I am protecting next Friday from healthcare appointments or meetings of any sort!

I would love to receive your pictures of your beloved companions (yep, interpret this as broadly as your feline overlords, your favorite human, breakfast, the lovely plant in your yard, etc.), recommendations for music, books, movies, shows, etc., and actual mail (DM me for address. I occasionally send postcards and cards back).

I am going to try to do some fun things!

Today it’s cool and not smoky, so I’m going to try to bake a peach upside down #cake. My clafoutis was shared and is all gone. I have more flour, so clearly it’s time to try #baking another cake!

Tomorrow I am going to go to a #ThornsFC game that will open with a ceremony to honor one of my favorite players, #TobinHeath. The team arranged to sign her as a Thorn for one day so she officially retires a Thorn. A knee injury, that’s rather similar to my own, halted her career a few years ago and she never officially retired. #NWSL

I just removed my friend from an email list and it’s done me in.

Trying to adult today; everything still feels so hard and makes me cry.

At least 5 times today I’ve wanted to text my friend and ask her opinion or advice.

I’m especially missing her hero with the narrative about how my conditions have become disabling for my SSDI application. She was going to be one of the people the SSA could contact about me since she not only had known me for close to 40 years, but also used to help people through SSA claims at a nonprofit organization she used to work at.

Still can’t believe my friend is gone. I can’t stop crying.

I had two hour interruption earlier, talking to art friends. While the distraction helped, sitting at my desk brought back the ache, and the wall of fatigue is back.

I think a smoothie is in order, it feels easier in several ways.

There’s a group chat of people trying to remember all the people who need to know. What’s wonderful is to see gore quickly one of us jumps in to say someone was already informed or we jump to do the informing.

I was able to set off another wave of informing by reaching out to someone who’s now an adult. My friend was his nanny when we all did historical reenactment together (SCA) and he got ahold of his Dad, who is now calling other people I’ve not seen since my 20s!

My friend was a person who made a light of herself, regardless of the absolute shit life dealt her.

I’m so fucking angry at so many systems and people right now.

And I still miss my grumpy, irritating, bossy dog. He was down for support when I cried, even before he lost his hearing.

I’m at a loss, I don’t know what to do but wait for the emergency anxiety and nausea meds to take effect.

I was just texting her pictures of Ursa. We texted every day. I have been hoping that some of the debilitating pain I experience wherever I sit still would be improved after this week’s procedure and I could manage the 50 minute drive up to her home.

Because of my own struggles with disordered eating (orthorexia), I was one of two people she was talking to about her ARFID diagnosis. She said she finally understood why I had set rigid boundaries around discussion of weight loss, dieting, and eating habits.

Eating disorders aren’t restricted to cis, white, girls. Older adults, particularly those who experience menopause, are at an increased risk of developing an ED or relapsing. Eating disorders have one of the highest mortality rates of any mental illness.

Even when someone is actively trying to recover, like my friend, the toll they exact on the body is very high.

My friend Sam, Sammo to her friends, was one of the wisest, most nurturing people my life has ever been blessed by. She took me under her wing when I was only 19. She had seen me through a lot of hard times, so much laughter, and a lot of singing along to musicals, which she especially loved.

She wanted everyone to feel included, respected, and well fed.

Like her Mother and twin sister, Sammo had polycystic kidney disease and had been going to dialysis for over 15 years. It’s a brutal disease and she considered trying to get a transplant for a long time, but finally decided that her combination of mental illnesses made it unlikely that she would be able to follow through with all the medications one must take to receive a kidney transplant.

The diet for dialysis is extremely restricted. Over the years of trying to adhere to it and go to dialysis, she developed ARFID. She kept trying to get help and for too long was treated like she was just attention seeking. Because her kidneys were literally the size of regulation American footballs (this is what PCKD does) she never looked sufficiently emaciated for the doctors she spoke with to believe her.

Until she collapsed walking into dialysis several months ago. Only then did her providers wake up and discover she had collapsed because she was severely malnourished. She’d been slowly, so slowly, getting nourishment sufficient to start to stand up a little on her own, but still needed a wheelchair.

Just got word that one of my oldest friends died suddenly and I’m absolutely shattered.

My watch is telling me to move somewhere quieter because my crying has exceeded the recommended decibels for safety and Ursa went under the sofa.

Universe, kindly Fuck. All. The. Way. OFF!!!

It’s summertime and the livin’ is….

Well, the livin’ is heavily scheduled with too many good things all happening on the same day!

I want to go do things today! Part of my brain is pointing out I could go to one meetup then the other, because the second is technically on the way home from the first.

In reality, I honestly don’t feel much better than yesterday. Being driven around Friday with friends for a tattoo and food carts zapped my energy. Damnit.

My energy level is pretty much at a deficit all the time lately because I am constantly chivvying my brain into braining when it would rather play video games and listen to music in response to the very high levels of stress at this time.

I have another minor surgical procedure Tuesday afternoon and was warned Friday that if I’m sick at all it will have to be rescheduled. Given the hope for reducing my back pain for several months following the procedure, I’m better off resting so I’m best prepared.

So another grumpy day of paperwork and mostly sitting on the bed instead of fun.

Today I’m grateful for friends who I can share that when I tried to leave the house to visit them and my brain decided a panic attack was a better plan. Then they decide to come collect me, so I can just take the extra anxiety med, and take me home to sit out in the garden playing with fountain pens.

I helpfully discovered which pens had poor seals and managed to get dark blue, Sailor document ink on my upper back, back of my shirt (navy blue, lucky), the chair, my fingers (of course), and my nose. The culprit was a Noodler’s Ahab.

I just got a much needed bit of personal good news in my email.

One of my collage works has been accepted to an art zine for queer and trans artists!

I am proud of the series I’ve been creating about my journey with #osteoporosis called “On the Impermanence of Bone” and this is the first work to be published!

#Collage #CollageArt #HandCutCollage #AnalogCollage #QueerArtist

On my way to the knee MRI. I hope there’s information that’s helpful and there’s an easy, non-surgical path to improve it to it’s normal state of“in need of patellar femoral replacement as soon as possible, but still manageable”.

I really hope that, because osteoporosis, I didn’t get a compression fracture at physical therapy, working on prehab for my knee surgery.

Good news: my knee MRI was authorized and just scheduled!

Bad news: my knee is so much worse that I need another MRI. Plus, since the “surprise osteoporosis” diagnosis, my orthopedist wants to make sure I don’t have a compression fracture at the top of my tibia from rashly exercising at physical therapy, under the watchful eye of a professional.

Grateful I launched myself out of the gravity well and went to a charming, low key event hosted by Egg Press in honor of #PenPalDay, with is June 1st this year. They generously offered everyone 2 free cards, a fun ABCs of summer mini poster, stickers, and FREE POSTAGE! You could also buy more cards for only $1. They had tables set up and the doors all wide open because it’s lovely here today.

#WriteMeBack #LetterWriting #LetterpressPrinting #WholesomeMoments

Eventually every dog that is sweet to me won’t result in me crying.

But not today.

Good visit with my eye doc today. At 56 I continue to be blessed with healthy eyes and my vision is changing very slowly. There’s been enough change that I’m having some eye fatigue, compounded by epic pollen, new lenses will help some.

My Mother had macular degeneration, so they are keeping a close watch for any signs. Good UV protection is necessary because I’m so light sensitive and it’s the best protection against macular degeneration.

We discussed binoculars, birding, and UV protection; wondering if it might finally be time for prescription sunglasses. They have a “ half of 2nd pair” deal and put together a quote for a pair. I have a few days to ponder.

In the meantime they are ordering fabulously funky new frames for me. The order store has the color I want, “Beetle” (an iridescent “blurple”). With all my extras it will be about 3 weeks before they are finished.

#ReadiMask is a winner for trying on frames!

Finally getting back to this incident yesterday. Which I intentionally wrote up in a humous tone. It infuriates me because it's not remotely amusing when someone violates our privacy.

Can we really think about what it says about the culture of consent when it is a common sale technique to view a "No Soliciting" sign as encouragement to "try harder". This is exactly what the person did yesterday.

They told me they read the sign and understood what it meant. They then choose to not knock once, but to repeatedly knock on both the door and a window for several minutes. When they got the faintest inclination that I was really there, behind the blinds, they knocked all the more loudly.

They had decided that whatever the fuck they're selling is such a blisteringly good deal that it's absolutely fine for them to ignore the "NO" that is posted on our home. They looked at the "No Soliciting" sign and kept knocking on the house until they got a reply.

How is this anything other than a violation of my consent?

My house has a clear "NO" posted on it and the person that "no" is directed at willfully ignores it, pushing, and pushing, to try and turn it into a "yes'. This a an incredibly common technique that's encouraged in sales positions.

This absolutely perpetuates that any "no" is an invitation to push until it turns into a "yes'.

That my friends is Rape Culture, plain and simple.

Which is why salespersons take their chances when they ignore the "No Soliciting" sign on our home.

At best, I'll channel the disapproving, disappointed air I've seen utilized by educators and librarians to small humans. I will make them read the sign aloud and explain to me what it means. I'll ask patiently if they missed the sign.

This is, of course, a trick. The only possible right choice they can make is to say that they didn't see the sign, apologize, and back away from the home quickly.

If they own up to reading, understanding, and ignoring the sign, there's a very good chance that they get The Kraken unless they very quickly and sincerely start apologizing and GTFO our property.

Join me May 16th online for a meetup of the #MixedMediaCollageArtistsGuild where I'll be sharing a template showing how to make a matchbook accordion book!

Don't be daunted by the tininess! It only looks complicated because it's been completely collaged! A single staple is the entire binding for the whole book!

https://gath.io/nsANFprHzZ6iWCKdrzgyh?e=cm3naw1cfh16fl4nr745xzu8u09khrke

*Note: the registration page currently has the event on 5/9, I've only recently let them know the group changed the date! It's definitely happening on 5/16.

#MakeArtTogether #BookMaking #HandmadeBooks #BookArts #TinyBook #Collage #AnalogCollage #HandCutCollage #OnlineEvent

Earlier, as I was finishing my morning ablutions, which is to say I was still in my bathrobe and PJs, someone began persistently knocking on both the front door and the window next to the door! I stalked suspiciously to the door and when I peered out the blinds the knocker, in some branded polo and ball cap (clearly not a neighbor) increased knocking on the effing window.

Knocking so much Ursa Minor was making airplane ears and giving the door the stink eye!

I made my saving throw versus fury and remembered to turn off the alarm before flinging open our door to ask who they were. I pointed at our “No Soliciting” and asked they read it aloud to me.

Startled and confused, they complied. I asked if they know what the sign means.

Whereupon they failed to make their saving throw versus wisdom and brightly replied, “Yes! But I just need a few more families to join this amazing….”

And thus, The Kracken was released from their flimsy bonds.

I roared, “NO!”, and slammed the door and closed the blinds.

I had second thoughts, opened the door, and further admonished the salesperson, “Don’t ignore the effing sign next time! FFS!”

I wish I’d added that they’re not entitled to make a sad panda face when they ignore a sign and disturb someone’s privacy.

Anyway. Now I’m going to take my grumpy ass self to a LEGO thing.