It's probably a good thing that I sometimes get reminded why people don't like Linux.
I finally switched my main desktop away from Windows and everything except the audio interface connected to my record player works.
That one only kinda works.
It does register some input, but it's extremely quiet.
All I can find online about the problem are a bunch of forum posts where people talk out of their ass.
Update: It's not Linux.
Plugging headphones directly into the interface gives very quiet audio too.
I hope it's the interface that's broken and not the record player.