This recent moment in my life has left a lot for me to question, tbh. I've more recently been accepting of being a dollthing, and I think a part of it speaks to some of my needs: it's not just unconditional love, it's also having someone who can support me in my weakest moments. I am not able to maintain a relationship unless I really, absolutely feel it, so maybe... if it already existed and was a part of my life, I would feel like it would be more natural. If life were just not so frustrating, if my brain could somehow just magically relate to having romantic attraction towards someone, maybe I would be making "first steps" more often.

I'm conflicted ever saying this, because I wind up having two needs: a need to be single, and a need to have someone who's there for me. I do have feelings for romance, but nobody ever triggers it, not even the closest of friends at this point. Even when it does, I shut it down because it's an enormous responsibility that I'm not sure I actually can commit to, ever, because I don't express love in the neurotypical way, and as such I won't meet those demands.

What if security in life was always assured? What if it was normal to support without these untold expectations of return, that someone being happy was enough and my "weird" love expressions were actually considered valid? What if we were allowed to congregate in a safe and secure environment, free from the noise and stimulus and chaos of the outside world? Love is made out to be so magically transactional nowadays, life is expected to be a competition. I hate every moment of it.