🐭 I think a thing I've noticed about myself is I have genuinely gotten stupider over time. This isn't me being mean to myself, I just do think with complete sincerity that if I took an IQ test now I'd score worse than I would've back 6 years ago. I think confessing this is better than trying to save face about it and inevitably spiraling into someone who becomes emotionally distressed whenever their knowledge is challenged at all.

It is of course incredibly upsetting, because knowledge is just something I value. It really comes to my attention when I notice gaps in my memory that used to be second nature to me... fields that I used to be totally dedicated to now having moments like "What's the difference between classical and operant conditioning?? Umm... I think I need to look that up to refresh my memory on it then I'll get back to you.". I'm honestly more concerned about how it impacts others and don't care that much about how it impacts my own life? I can sit pretty comfortably knowing I'm happy to learn and still constantly striving to do so in spite of the conditions, the ability to learn is the most important ability any individual can have.

I take full responsibility for the course of my life, but I think my mental health is also partially to blame. Being anxious, demotivated, and depressed for basically every waking moment of my life for the last decade simply isn't conducive to maintaining my ability to function. School forced me to stay occupied, but now... if my thoughts are loud, I can't sit down and read a book, I can't open up my laptop to program, often times I can hardly even relax with a game. This has resulted me in being inactive to a point of total dullness. Despite popular belief, you can forget how to ride a bike, and I've forgotten. (Metaphorically. I never got to learn how to ride a bike.)

I am genuinely losing my mind and myself, and I thank everyone for sticking around through it all.