I work for a bank. Those "discreet" payments to online sex shops like LoveHoney etc? We know exactly what they are, you dirty bastards. When customers need to give proof of identity, I love asking them to confirm their most recent purchases if I can see it was from a sex shop.

Neighbour said my garden wasn't mowed. I said 'Yeah but I get lots of butterflies and you don't'. He's now posting photos of lone butterflies in his garden. Evidently butterfly envy is a thing.

My ex had a pet peeve about not eating or drinking anything someone else had tried first. So after every argument, during the cooldown period, if they asked me to get them a drink, I'd secretly take a sip before handing it over.

I got quite hammered one night and got out some Dreamies - which are cat treats that I'd intended to feed to one of the local friendly strays. I thought that I'd try one just out of curiosity. Turns out they're quite moreish and I ended up eating the whole pack. No regrets.

Regular car journey with the kids we always bet on an exact time that we arrive home. We have league tables and a points system. I deliberately slow down or speed up to make sure I win.

When I stare up at a plane, I get the irrational feeling that me watching it will somehow cause it to explode. After a few seconds I'll look away, just in case. Sometimes I force myself to keep watching because I know it's ridiculous. But if it ever did happen, I'd feel terrible

Just spent a hundred quid on Pokemon cards so now I've got two days to come up with an idea that means me and the kids get these cards without my wife asking too many questions.

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My 90-year-old neighbor has Alzheimer's. Every morning at 8, he asks if I've seen his wife. I tell him she passed 20 years ago, and the pure joy on his face when he hears the news makes it all worth it.

I asked a run buddy for advice for running a half marathon race. He said "Find the nicest butt and just follow it at a distance until you reach the finish line." Ever since then I've been a back of the pack runner because there's only small booties in the front.

I am a university lecturer and it is a well known fact that at academic conferences people cheat on their partners and hook up with old flames. It's one of the few things along with the pension that still makes it vaguely attractive despite the management bullshit.

I only open packets of crisps with scissors.

I once bought a KFC order so large my car thought it was a person sitting in the passenger seat and kept asking me to check their seatbelt

Pushy guy from work came back to ours, expecting a threesome. Told him to do one but had pity on him enough to suggest he spend the night in the shed. Woke up to blue lights. He'd broken into our neighbour's shed.

I recently got some new hearing aids with Bluetooth connection, the amount of wanking I've done with porn sounds streaming to my hearing aids since then is more than I'd like to admit.

My office has a "wellbeing room" for people to go and cry, have panic attacks, call their therapist, whatever. But between 11:30 and 1:30, I go in there to have my lunch. Nobody dares disturb me and that's great for my wellbeing

Before every flight I take, I practice landing the plane in question on Microsoft Flight Simulator, you know. Just in case. And of course every time I secretly hope my moment will come when both pilots pass out or whatever. It never has.

On my morning dog walk, for weeks I've been playfully throwing crab apples at grey squirrels as they run along fences. Never been close apart from today when I nailed a good shot. Wasn't a squirrel but a lady's grey hair bobbing along the pathway at fence height. Ran off. Sorry.

Whenever I dog sit my daughter's chocolate lab and he shits on his walk I make sure we go past the local Tory MPs house and it ends up in his manicured garden. Huge turds requiring two goes to get in the bag.