I put this in a reply but I feel like it is worth removing the kink part and making a non-CW'd post

One thing I learned in these 30 years and 11 in relationships is that fairness in a relationship is not about doing the same things to each other. Is putting the same amount of energy into the relationship.

Personally I'll happily make breakfast in bed for someone, I'll learn new recipes to cook what they enjoy, and I will (to a fault) be there to encourage or support partners through every tiny thing.

But I don't need these things done to me. Support is obviously important, but it doesn't have to be the same way, and I hate staying in bed for a long time, so someone bringing me breakfast in bed would be actively horrible.

On the other hand, I SUCK at planning anything special, anniversaries, birthdays, anything of that sort comes up and I'll have a panic attack if I try to do anything. If I'm expected to do that, things are going to fall apart.

Most importantly, though, what I would consider a fair relationship with someone who likes planning special days and things is that they'll do that, and I'll make special coffee thinking of them. Because, if they enjoy planning, it's not a chore to put that energy on it, and I enjoy making coffee, so the energy of figuring out how they like it, and taking longer to get my coffee in the morning, is no issue at all.

I say this with a harmless example, but I've had partners worry that they don't do enough for me because of how I support them and they don't do it the same way, but then if I bring up the support they have me they go "yeah, but that was nothing to me" and that's what feels fair to me, because me supporting them usually also feels like nothing special, just something I do because I care for the relationship

I guess this is kinda rambly, but hopefully there's some useful thoughts on relationships buried here