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  • MaddieM4MaddieM4
    Aug 14, 2026, 4:24 AM

    Exercise can be really therapeutic. I needed that today. I ate a lot of junk food to cope with some stuff, and I'm not much a believer in exercising to burn off indulgences. That's some symbolic Christian mysticism. The math doesn't work out. But motion helps with symptoms when I eat stuff that isn't good for me, as well as building up my body in ways that it can take better care of me. Punishment is usually a bad reason to do things. Trust, on the other hand, keeps surprising me in its ability to frame and motivate good decisions.

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Replies

  • MaddieM4MaddieM4
    Aug 14, 2026, 4:32 AM

    In February I was in really bad condition. Not my fault, some of you have already heard about how my last apartment poisoned me two different ways, *and* I lost a genetic lottery like a lot of women in my life, which still requires surgery to fix.

    I couldn't really trust my body to do things I needed it to. Even after getting out of a literal toxic environment, I had to spend most of my time laying in bed. My capacity to do things came and went unpredictably. I couldn't really make commitments to people.

    What really sucks is that your brain is a subset of your body, and I couldn't even keep intellectually busy. I always thought I could Stephen Hawking my way through life in the worst case. In hindsight, that was pretty naïve. So I couldn't even trust my brain, at least in a capacity sense.

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  • MaddieM4MaddieM4
    Aug 14, 2026, 4:38 AM

    I've really got into rebuilding my physical self in earnest in the last couple months. That's been hard. @arichtman made me laugh recently with a line something like, "life really doesn't let up punching you in the dick, does it?" Because he's not wrong, but neither was my reaction. I'm stubborn. Life will learn the hard way that I kick back.

    But that's still a little punishment-coded, I'm realizing. When I finally started really feeling progress, the reason it was so good is I could rely on my body. And I was learning the skill HOW. If you don't know your limits and you overdo things, that feels like broken trust. But listening to your body and growing into its feedback tells you: "this is a feeling I can address by slowing down" or "this is difficult but it's a thing I know I can do." You become your body's teammate. You learn to be trustworthy to each other, and that's incremental.

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  • MaddieM4MaddieM4
    Aug 14, 2026, 4:45 AM

    Likewise, with my brain. I've got back into software again recently. I really do think it's because I'm getting fit and achieving things in *that* space that I didn't think I could achieve pre-surgery. My brain is reaping the benefits. I pretty recently was terrified that I hadn't written software in a long time, that I might be too rusty to get back into it or hold that core part of me as an identity anymore. I know @hyc remembers that. But by investing effort in my body and learning better how to operate it, I was able to get back in. My brain was there for me. I should have believed all along, but it was easier with a spark of evidence, and that was a flame I could fan. Lately, disruptive life events aside, I'm really enjoying programming in C again, and feeling rewarded by the experiments I've tried.

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  • MaddieM4MaddieM4
    Aug 14, 2026, 4:52 AM

    And like, the thing is, I'm NOT up to my old capacity in a lot of ways, and I can't be. But what I am realizing is I was underestimating how much good I could make out of a bad situation, and that's a lesson I need to internalize and bring with me, so I have it ready the next time life kicks me. I can't always just make those bad situations go away. But I can trust my ability to rebuild, that I can do that better than looks possible from the bed of an AirBnB. That even if my body has a lot of limits, there's always a starting point to rebuild the trust and companionship I have with my physical form.

    Anyways. Not only am I getting pretty close to attempting an uphill bike ride in max gear soon, after this morning's ride went so well... I did a mile on the elliptical this evening to burn off some emotional steam. I'm dealing with a lot on the front, but I'm bouncing back better than I expected to be possible. I've smiled and laughed and cuddled and helped and planned for tomorrow. I'm happy. Even if I'm sad.

    A full mile in less than half an hour. 29:46.
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  • MaddieM4MaddieM4
    Aug 14, 2026, 5:00 AM

    I think it's important that I didn't do it for anybody else. I asked myself what would make me feel better, and it was this. During the hard parts, I put a lot of weight on my lived experience that *I can do this.* And I really did feel better! That was the point. Not optimizing myself for some external grindset.

    I'm very aware that I could easily make a brand out of being a hustle anticapitalist, and that would be very funny, but that would also miss the point. Even a lot of self improvement stuff misses the point, the why you'd improve yourself. Are you doing what makes you happy? Are you constructing the self you'd be happy in? That's the shit that matters. Your body, mind and soul are the only things you always take with you everywhere. You should be kind to them. You should be giving them opportunities to prove themselves and grow, so when you need them, you don't have to wonder if they can support you in a crisis. That's all.

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  • Howard Chu @ Symashyc@mastodon.social
    Aug 14, 2026, 4:50 AM

    @MaddieM4 yep, mind and body, both prosper together or suffer together. You don't get to choose one over the other. Nice to see that you're feeling better about all of it.

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  • Robin EvansRobinzz3@aus.social
    Aug 14, 2026, 4:59 AM

    @MaddieM4 @arichtman

    I really relate to this, Maddie.

    Over the last few years, I’ve rebuilt a surprising amount of trust with my body through fasting, breathwork, and walking.

    None of it has worked particularly well when I’ve treated the body like something to dominate. It works when I listen.

    Some days I walk further. Some days I don’t. Breathwork can be strong one session and very gentle the next. Fasting taught me that hunger, habit, and actual need are not always the same thing.

    After a major stroke and decades of living with hemiplegia, I’ve had to learn my body in a rather unconventional way.

    “Teammate” is exactly the word.

    I don’t need it to behave perfectly.

    I just need to keep listening closely enough that we stop fighting each other.

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