I'll tell you what, once the scales fall off your eyes and you start to see how ableist general society is, you can't slap those filters back on.

Someone asked me rather rudely today why I was wearing arthritis gloves. I was like I work with my hands, and sometimes my hands hurt a lot. Compression helps them feel better.

My answer didn't seem to satisfy the person who asked, so then they wanted to ask a bunch more questions about why I was in pain, and I didn't want to answer, so I just deflected and moved them onto a different subject.

Someone else I was talking to was talking about some potential orthotic devices that would actually help them walk better yet how they weren't going to do it even though it would help them walk better because it would be so noticeable that they were wearing devices. Then they went on to talk about a mutual friend who now has to walk with two canes, making that sound like that was the end of the world. They also talked about another person whom I do not know who is sometimes able to walk and sometimes chooses to ride an electric scooter. They made it sound like that was the end of the world.

I don't know if I'm just hearing other people's fears of death and disability, but that's probably what's going on. I may be projecting as well, because I have phases where I'm less able and phases where I'm more able, physically. I myself understand that I don't have a perfect relationship with ableism or being disabled.

I used to be a person who pushed myself through pain more often than I should have, and I also used to be a person who didn't want to have to show any disability because of my own internalized ableism. I was and I am still a mess.

I am an occasional cane or walking stick user because sometimes I can't walk without pain, but most of the time, when I'm in such a state, other people don't even see me, because I'm home and I'm trying to recuperate. I consider that a bit of ableism on my part, but it's also often because I don't have much energy to go out when I can't walk well.

My solution for this regarding having two very large, energetic dogs was to get an adult trike. I consider that a mobility device that allows me to get them the exercise that they need without pushing my boundaries. I think it's fantastic! We all have a ton of fun.

But at first? I felt like a failure for not being able to ride a regular bike next to them or to be able to walk them as much as they needed. It's a safety thing too, though. They can't pull me over on a 65 pound electric tricycle. I've had two concussions (both with a helmet on!) from them pulling me over on a regular beach cruiser trike. Lesson learned.

Death and disability are coming for every single one of us at some point. Nobody old dies hale and hearty and able to leap over tall buildings in a single bound. We just don't talk much at all about this shit in our society, and the more I see it, the more I'm confused at how to make these conversations happen without them being awkward and weird and invasive.

I'd like to show up in the world even when I am using an assistive device, even if it's a item of clothing, and not have people question it. I'd like to be my full autistic self out in society as well and have that be OK, too but that's almost even less possible.

I think part of the reason why I don't like to show when I'm in pain is because people ask questions and I can't stand their false sympathy or whatever it is they're projecting toward me. Just let me deal with whatever I'm dealing with, and also let me feel like an imposter on the days where I don't feel as much pain and disability.

Internalized ableism is one of my largest demons and I fight it almost every single day. So it's no wonder that I see it reflected in our society.

I know I'm feeling super-sensitive about it right now because I was sick all weekend with something I could not control and had no agency in. It's just part of what happens to me sometimes. I had to endure the sympathy of my bosses when I went back to work today but they were actually really understanding because they have relatives who have this same condition.

They were amazingly gentle with me, so it felt good to be in a supportive environment where people actually understood rather than asking a bunch of invasive questions and to get back working at a job that I'm really good at. So they helped me get back on my feet today, even though I was exhausted and really wrung out from the episodes I had.

Bodies are weird, man, but getting to be a human being really is a precious and interesting thing most of the time.