It's fine. I'm fine. Everything is FINE.

Anyway, if Colonoscopy instructions were accurately written:

Procedure Date: Friday

Instructions for Wednesday:

1. Drink 144oz/4,259ml of clear liquids throughout the day. See attachment for our ambiguous definition of clear. You will need to pee every 22 minutes with startling urgency. Have fun with that.

2. Consume a low fiber diet. See attached list of acceptable foods.

3. Approximately 8 hours before you want to wake up on Thursday, take 2 laxative pills. If you take them earlier, you will awaken to alarming cramps and pray each expulsion from your butt as you run down the hall is only fart. Bring a book.

Instructions for the Day Prior to your Procedure (Thursday):

1. NO SOLID FOOD. You'll be hungry AF, but tough shit (ha ha see what we did there?)

2. You may drink clear liquids all day. NO RED OR PURPLE! Again see confusing list below. Make sure you drink enough or you'll get weak.

3. Open two, room-temperature, 28oz/828ml bottles of Sportsball Drink. NO RED OR PURPLE! Dump out a little bit from each bottle and mix in 7 capfuls of Powdered Laxative. Close bottles and shake the living shit (haha) out of them. This will create an unholy concoction with an unspeakable taste/texture combination. You still have to drink them.

4. At 6pm or later, drink one of the bottles of Ass-Blaster Beverage you mixed in the previous step. You have to finish it within the hour. We can't tell you when it will kick in, so don't plan to leave the toilet area. Don't plan to sleep.

5. 1 to 2 hours after consuming the Devil's Drink, take 2 more laxative pills. You've been warned.

6. 4 hours prior to your anal probe, drink the last bottle of Ass-assination. You have to finish it within the hour. NO SOLID FOOD!

List of acceptable foods: eggs, cheese, noodles, chicken, white rice

List of clear liquids: Coffee, Jello, Juice without pulp, Broth without bits, soda pop, and popsicles that aren't red or purple.

What's our definition of clear? That's a secret.
What's our definition of liquid? Also a secret!

Why are you crying? Oh please. Are you a wo/ma/nb or a mouse?

…Stop squeaking.