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  deutrinodeutrino@mstdn.io

  Sep 24, 2026, 1:31 AM

  maybe this doesn't sound that bad from the outside. I honestly can't tell any more, but what I'd emphasize is the speed at which memories decay, and that even well-trodden paths become inscrutable without a LOT of prompting after just a short time.

  even if I document perfectly - which I can't always do, depending on many factors including fatigue - I still pay a huge cost to write & maintain notes for what I could retain much better if I were able to meet basic sensory needs.

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  deutrinodeutrino@mstdn.io

  Sep 24, 2026, 1:41 AM

  if I don't document, from fatigue or since it's a one-off or because I'm in a good patch and I'll get to it the very next day and then don't because I don't have control over basics like sleep/wake or nearby activity - once I do need to repeat, I have to retrace, or reinvent, depending how long it's been.

  after long enough, I won't remember I did it at all. plenty of times I've been following a new path and found my own forum posts or files on disk from 12, 15, 18 months before.

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  deutrinodeutrino@mstdn.io

  Sep 24, 2026, 1:50 AM

  all of this, and all the other cognitive symptoms that go hand in hand, cost huge penalties in speed, efficiency, opportunity, etc.

  I've gotten little done on goals this year because much of the time I was simply not able to work, and when I was, much of the time was burned paying these penalties after months of memory & skill decay.

  absolutely none of this is normal. this is WAY below my baseline. fortunately I still realize that; the last time I functioned at baseline was 2012.

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  deutrinodeutrino@mstdn.io

  Sep 24, 2026, 1:54 AM

  in this case I determined that the only way to quickly access the server was to log in to the router via Tailscale and then log into the box from there. that's a process which I've done literally hundreds of times over several years, and it was gone from my memory until I spent 5 minutes doing archaeology on my own setup.

  now imagine this type of scenario happening *constantly* with everything you've built and every tool you use, if you don't access them at least weekly.

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  deutrinodeutrino@mstdn.io

  Sep 24, 2026, 2:02 AM

  early in #AutisticBurnout I was convinced I had a tumor or dementia. I demanded scans, which my "care team" didn't oblige, while also failing to tell me that none of these symptoms are very surprising for a moderate depressive episode, which was my misdiagnosis at the time. even though autistic burnout is often (usually?) misdiagnosed as depression, it would've saved time & agony to know that otherwise healthy brains do reversibly crap out and fail to process information sometimes.

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  deutrinodeutrino@mstdn.io

  Sep 24, 2026, 2:12 AM

  I've been lucky enough to figure out what's happening to me and only trade a few years of life for it. I'm quite sure many autistic people die like this without understanding, and often while blaming themselves.

  for me, when I can access quiet & solitude for long enough, my cognitive ability recovers very predictably. the only issue keeping me in chronic burnout and thus housing, food, and healthcare-insecure is that I've been unable to consistently meet those needs since 2016. 🤷

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  deutrinodeutrino@mstdn.io

  Sep 24, 2026, 2:20 AM

  I post, or "overshare" like this for two main reasons.

  1. I hope some other person going thru this will find the posts and learn something that will help them, even if it's just to feel less alone.

  2. in the hope that somebody will fucking *help me.* this is both too uncommon and also common enough that I'm not only still alive, but very very lucky, and conscious of it.

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  deutrinodeutrino@mstdn.io

  Sep 24, 2026, 2:26 AM

  people working with kids today would likely ID little me as ADHD in 15 seconds, and ASD in 15 minutes to an hour. but I grew up in the 80s & 90s, so I got to adulthood with no tools for managing existence in my own skin, and had to build most of what I've got from first principles with sticks & mud.

  there is zero help for autistic adults in the USA today unless you're rich. in the more likely event you're broke and on the dole, they're trying to take your Medicaid and food stamps.

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  deutrinodeutrino@mstdn.io

  Sep 24, 2026, 2:32 AM

  anyway, that's my rant.

  so-called "level 1" or "high-functioning" ASD leads to drastic negative impacts on achievement, health, happiness, and lifespan thru mechanisms like I've just described and more. I'm lucky, for example, to almost never have meltdowns. sometimes people who do get their asses tazed, thrown in jail, and subjected to electroshock treatments. just to name an outcome for a friend of mine.

  please help us when you can. I promise you we need it. #ActuallyAutistic

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  deutrinodeutrino@mstdn.io

  Sep 24, 2026, 2:36 AM

  nitpick time:

  * I rely on ZeroTier daily despite forgetting everything about it because the well-trodden paths I rely on are all in the browser or via specific applications, which Just Work™ and require zero thought once set up.

  * I could've just logged in via Tailscale right away instead of barking up the ZeroTier tree, but doing so takes more steps and is more painful, and one thing you ALWAYS try to minimize when in autistic burnout is COGNITIVE COMPLEXITY.

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