Jensen Huang Vents About Investigation To New Russian Girlfriend

LOS ALTOS HILLS, CA—Ranting at length as he shared details about his stressful work life, NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang reportedly vented to his new Russian girlfriend Tuesday about the ongoing corporate investigation into his conduct at the company. “I’m telling you, Svetlana, you have no idea the insane amount of pressure I’m under,” Huan…
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https://theonion.com/jensen-huang-vents-about-investigation-to-new-russian-girlfriend/

Trump To Cut Off Aid To Israel

President Trump announced the U.S. would terminate $4 billion in aid to Israel at the end of the year, claiming “they don’t need it.” What do you think?
The post Trump To Cut Off Aid To Israel appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/trump-to-cut-off-aid-to-israel/

Casper Recalls Mattresses That Won’t Stop Expanding When Unboxed

NEW YORK—In an urgent step intended to protect customers and humanity itself from the company’s flagship product, Casper Sleep announced Tuesday an immediate recall of mattresses that won’t stop expanding once unboxed. “In response to thousands of reports of our mattresses inflating catastrophically past their intended dimensions, we h…
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https://theonion.com/casper-recalls-mattresses-that-wont-stop-expanding-when-unboxed/

Inter-Not-So-Stellar

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At Long Last, InfoWars Is Ours

Let me tell you a story. When I was a child, I suffered from night terrors. It was always the same dream: I could hear my family and neighbors wailing in the street outside as they were pursued and then destroyed by a nameless malevolent force, something neither I nor anyone else could control, a […]
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What To Know About The New Requirements For SNAP Benefits

New work requirements for the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program have gone into effect across the nation, threatening benefits for millions of Americans. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the new SNAP restrictions. Q: Why were new work requirements put in place? A: Barb Klimath of La Crosse, WI, saw someone pay for […]
The p…
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https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-the-new-requirements-for-snap-benefits/

Kash Patel Faces Backlash After Partying With Nancy Guthrie’s Captors

WASHINGTON—As shocking footage surfaced of his participation in the rowdy celebration, FBI director Kash Patel faced backlash Thursday after he was seen partying with the captors of Nancy Guthrie. “I was honored to have been invited to the isolated cabin where Savannah Guthrie’s mother has been strapped to a cot for almost a …
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https://theonion.com/kash-patel-faces-backlash-after-partying-with-nancy-guthries-captors/

Trump Scolds Female Reporter For Being Adult

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JD Vance Places Candle Outside Hooters Where ICE Agents Were Heckled

The post JD Vance Places Candle Outside Hooters Where ICE Agents Were Heckled appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/jd-vance-places-candle-outside-hooters-where-ice-agents-were-heckled/

Zillow Adds Segregation Score

SEATTLE—In an effort to help U.S. homebuyers find the kinds of neighborhoods they’re looking for, online real estate marketplace Zillow announced Monday that it had provided each property listing with a segregation score, allowing users to quickly gauge an area’s racial homogeneity. “Every home on Zillow now includes a rating of one to 100 based on […]
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Study Finds 93% Of Murders Solved By Consulting Victim’s Pet Parrot

WASHINGTON—According to a nationwide crime study by the FBI’s National Incident-Based Reporting System, just over 93% of all murder cases solved by local, state, and federal police in the past 10 years were resolved by consulting the victim’s beloved pet parrot. “In some cases, the break is simple and the bird will squawk the kill…
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https://theonion.com/study-finds-93-of-murders-solved-by-consulting-victims-pet-parrot/

Pros And Cons Of War With Venezuela

Tensions between the United States and Venezuela are escalating, with President Trump stating that land strikes on drug traffickers could come “very soon.” The Onion examines the pros and cons of entering a war against Venezuela. PRO “Caracas” fun to say Raises total number of countries Americans can name to respectable nine Would be nice […]
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https://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-war-with-venezuela/

JD Vance Cries In Bathroom After Trump Uses ‘Piggy’ Nickname On Someone Else

WASHINGTON—In the wake of a controversial incident aboard Air Force One in which President Donald Trump insulted a female journalist, Vice President JD Vance is said to have wept in his office bathroom, furious that the commander-in-chief had used his special “piggy” nickname on someone else. “But I’m supposed to…
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https://theonion.com/jd-vance-cries-in-bathroom-after-trump-uses-piggy-nickname-on-someone-else/

Aides Beg J.D. Vance To Stop Carrying Model Of Woman’s Pelvis While Meeting Voters

LEXINGTON, KY—Stating that the anatomical facsimile of the female groin was having the opposite of the vice presidential candidate’s intended effect, aides begged J.D. Vance on Monday to stop carrying around a model of a woman’s pelvis while meeting with voters. “I can’t stress enough how much people …
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https://theonion.com/aides-beg-j-d-vance-to-stop-carrying-model-of-womans-pelvis-while-meeting-voters/