Having to stop for fuel on a long drive is disappointing because your motorway nemeses all think they won even though they didn't

Now UK regularly gets California style wildfires we have a choice to make. Either copy them and have goat herds eating all the greenery to lower fire risk, or force prisoners to work for free as volunteer firefighters. I prefer the goat approach. I like goats. They're ace.

Old people are much younger than you realise. They're all the age of Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney now

Trying to become famous, at any cost and for any reason, is a sign of mental illness.

Kids not having parties when their parents go on holiday because of Ring doorbells might be one of the most depressing signs of the times.

Cats are only so popular because it's socially acceptable to let them do whatever they like for some reason. If the owners were suddenly told they had to stop them going onto other people's property, attacking other animals or crapping everywhere then they'd be less keen on them

It should be law that satellite dishes are removed from buildings once they're no longer in use. There's no reason for redundant bits of hardware to be left cluttering up the sides and roofs of buildings indefinitely.

At my local arts centre, you can pay £5 to sit and read in silence with other people. That used to be called a library and it was free. We are truly fucked as a society.

Health messages on cigarette packets have worked. We should do the same with betting shops. A third of the frontage should have a big yellow on black sign saying "We're still in business because you keep on losing. You're all losers."

UK water privatisation is staggering. Companies were effectively handed monopolies over an essential, inelastic good on two basic conditions - don't exploit customers, and reinvest in infrastructure. Instead we got shit in rivers and and million pound bonuses to execs.

What is the point of QR codes on TV ads? No one, in the space of 20 secponds, is taking their phone out, opening the camera, and scanning the bloody screen are they?

You can instantly tell how good a coffee shop is by the size of the cups. Good coffee comes in small portions. You only get the big buckets in shitty chains.

Sitting on a beach is just deciding who you'd like to fuck and in what order.

The BBC should not be "neutral". It should promote common decency and challenge anything that falls outside of this remit.

If you refer to candle fragrances as "flavours", then you should be banned from using naked flames.

We don't need coins and should stop producing them. If we had a £1 note again we could get rid of all coins within three years. The only people who'd object sell purses, coin counters, and reinforced trouser pockets.

£10 spent on benefits isn't just £10 lost, it's £10 that will then be spent on food, or rent which keeps circulating in the economy. £10 given to big businesses in a tax cut just ends up in a profit margin, or a millionaire shareholders pocket. Its likely never spent again.

"Online marketplace" is code for "terrible quality and impossible to return".

Marriage should be banned for under 25's.

Microsoft have not added any necessary new features to Word in over 20 years. Office 2003 is more than enough for literally anything you'd ever need to do.