Oct 13, 2026, 5:20 PMGod, this hurts.
But please trust me...when I say I am done with his shit, it is NOT because I haven't given him enough chances or that I haven't "looked at it from his perspective."
I have always looked at it from "his perspective". I have entertained fantasy notions about who this person is.
I have done everything I can to help him not fucking lose his relationships. Continuing to do that would be literally *immoral*, as in actively harmful to people (including myself!).
Oct 13, 2026, 5:25 PMIt's not "giving up" on a person, not really.
"Giving up" suggests one should just have more endurance, but sometimes endurance is the problem.
It's not primarily that he's exhausted my patience.
The core of the issue is that he has been allowing other people to pick up the slack in his life, & people (self-included) have been doing the lifting for him. That's a man who never properly deals with the results of his choices.
Oct 13, 2026, 5:31 PMPart of what happens when I try to explain this to others is that I talk about individual issues, but it requires self-examination to get to the root of what's happening, because it's not happening in a vacuum. What's happening here is the definition of enabling.
You don't notice it's happening at first, especially when it's a person who lives far away whom you don't interact with every day. It's not the same intense emotional drain as it is when it's someone in your household, but same thing.
Oct 13, 2026, 5:34 PMIt's time for an anti-intervention.
Consequences are going to hit him with the force of a sledgehammer, but other people need to stop softening the blow. Let them hit him. Let him deal with sorting his own problems out.
"Help" isn't helping, because it's not a bad situation he needs relief from. It's him & his choices haunting him.
Oct 13, 2026, 5:38 PMI don't know how it is that this man & his victim complex have had us doing this for years.
Some of it is that he DID go through traumatic stuff, & all of us have been through traumatic stuff, so we didn't want him to suffer alone.
But then his life became defined by his supposed suffering, & we just kept trying to relieve the suffering, kept trying to treat the symptoms, when at the very bottom of it all is a guy fucking destroying his own life with his own choices.
Oct 13, 2026, 5:43 PMBut right now he CAN'T let himself be ok because the moment he's recovered, the moment he is ok, then everything he does after that reverts to being his own responsibility.
As long as he *stays* in crisis, as long as he never recovers, the help will keep coming, the sympathy, the unasked for & unappreciated forgiveness that is given to him. All of that stops being readily on tap once he's "ok".
Oct 13, 2026, 5:44 PMHe's genuinely suffering. A lot.
But I don't think he really wants to get better. Getting better means he doesn't get excuses anymore. He wouldn't be allowed to blame everything he does on everything but himself.
Oct 13, 2026, 5:50 PMThe thing about realizing you've been enabling someone is that often your reflex is to blame YOURSELF for harming the person you're enabling by, well, enabling them.
As though all of the harm they inflict isn't their responsibility.
It's Enabling Round 2 where you go "if only I hadn't enabled them, maybe it wouldn't have gotten that bad." You have to remember that you HAVE been emotionally manipulated by this person, that they have taken advantage of your willingness to help & protect someone.
Oct 13, 2026, 5:53 PMI can take responsibility & say "that wasn't a healthy choice for anyone involved," but no, I did not cause his behavior, & yes, he did manipulate me.
I didn't make him behave this way. I help other people all the time who do not manipulate me in this way.
I didn't show up & say "I want to do some enabling!"
Oct 13, 2026, 5:56 PMI hate this.
I hate it so much. You hope that if you just give someone enough grace, eventually they'll stop requiring so much of it.
But some people seem to want to find out exactly how much grace they can get without ever having to change.
Oct 13, 2026, 6:06 PMYou want to think you're having compassion on someone. You want to think you're helping them through a hard time, but eventually you realize that the "hard time" they are having right now is one of their own making, & the original circumstances that made you extend your sympathy & forgiveness, the original crisis, was a long time ago.
Oct 13, 2026, 6:09 PMHe wakes up screaming every day (& I believe him about that) because he's waiting for someone else to figure out how to fix that.
He would rather wake up screaming every day & blame other people for not giving him the "help" that he needs than actually work on himself & get better.
Oct 13, 2026, 6:10 PMHe's been complaining lately about how people don't really want to help, & I haven't been able to get a clear answer on what help he wants, but I think I've got it now.
I thought that he knew that no one but him could fix his emotional problems, but he's legitimately sitting there going "why won't anyone fix this for me?"
Oct 13, 2026, 6:12 PM"ohhhh, you really thought that someone else could figure out what's wrong in your life (because obviously it's an exterior thing) & take it away or correct it. Fascinating."
Oct 13, 2026, 6:15 PMDoes he really think there is help that another person could give that would fix his psychological torment?
Does he think we're holding out on him?
Does he actually fucking believe that his psychological state is just caused by externalities?
Oct 13, 2026, 6:17 PMHe's waiting for the solution to arrive, & until then he will remain the person who has suffered most in the history of the world.
Oct 13, 2026, 6:24 PMHonestly very convenient for him that his apparent psychological condition makes him an unfit parent. It's not his fault, you see. He just can't be there for his daughter. He's just suffering too much.
Bullshit, motherfucker. I'm the family empathy sponge, & I can tell you our parents were suffering when we were growing up, for a multitude of reasons. Suffering isn't a reason to abandon your kids.
Oct 13, 2026, 6:27 PMIt's like he thinks he's the first parent to be sensorily overwhelmed by their child. The first parent to wake up in the middle of the night to help them. The first parent who has ever had to put a meal in front of their child even when already exhausted.
Dude, that's parenthood. Just normal fucking parenthood.
Oct 13, 2026, 6:30 PMDude, some people push through a level of physical exhaustion like you have never once known in your life just so that they can take care of their child.
Having to attend to your child's needs even when it is hard is not some special difficulty that no one has ever faced before.
Oct 13, 2026, 6:33 PMYou can really tell that my brother had never done any childcare in his life when he decided to have a kid.
All the parenting shit he complains to me about that is so hard is stuff that I knew at 14.
And, hey, it IS hard. It's so hard that I chose not to have kids so I wouldn't have to do it. Hence why I want to extend sympathy. I know caring for kids can be absolutely fucking draining, & I know that kids need to be cared for regardless of how difficult it is.
Oct 13, 2026, 6:36 PMSo I express sympathy, but he seems to take it as agreement that his life in particular is just too fucking hard to handle, when I was just saying "yeah, taking care of your responsibilities can be difficult. I get it."
If he wanted to vent about how exhausted he is, that would actually be fine. It's okay to say "this parenting thing is kicking my butt." The problem is when someone gives themselves an excuse to give up & flake out.
@artemis Usually daily. Caring for kids is hard.
I know this because I had more than a dozen siblings and had to do a lot of parenting without my consent.
It's why I'm childless now.