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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 1:48 PM

    It should be assumed when I talk about my brother that there are years of experience behind my perspective on him & what he's going through that are not in my posts, & if you or someone you know superficially matches some of what I describe of him, it's still quite likely that there are a lot of behaviors & choices he makes that you may not.

    He seems to be seeking rock bottom at the moment, & it feels like he won't stop until he reaches it, no matter how many times we try to pull him up.

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Replies

  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 1:52 PM

    Like...if he would fucking drink water every day, maybe I wouldn't be saying "dude, you NEED a medical intervention." But he won't drink water even when reminded. Apollo told him once when he was talking to him "just drink water & eat some potato chips. You'll feel better" & Bro2 instead ordered some electrolyte powder off of Amazon & said he'd drink water when it arrived in the mail.

    You can literally lead this man to water, & he won't drink.

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 1:54 PM

    I know that "you should exercise" can be absurdly difficult when depressed, even though it can have amazing effects. That's never worked for me, so I get why it's not necessarily very helpful advice, but I don't know what to do with a person who won't even drink water when someone reminds them they need it to live.

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 1:59 PM

    Pro tip: sodium is an electrolyte that can help you absorb water, hence why eating some potato chips in addition to drinking water can be a good idea when dehydrated. A little bit of something salty alongside your water can really help.

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 2:10 PM

    I wish I could help this dude. I wish he would try *anything at all* to get better. He is beyond helping as far as the family is concerned, not even because we are "tired of helping" but because there is nothing that anyone can do to get him to work on himself or even care for himself.

    If anything we have been doing was really offering lasting results, that would be one thing, but it's pretty clear he's going to wake up screaming every day until HE does something about it.

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 2:20 PM

    Who wants to give up on a guy who wakes up screaming every day? Who wants to just "leave them to their own devices"? Who wants to just stop "helping" someone who constantly asks whether they should "keep going" with life?

    It's terrifying, but I can't help but feel that we may actually be delaying his recovery at this point because as long as we are available to him, he can continue to externalize all his needs.

    He's hinting at wanting to kind of lose touch or drift away from the family anyway.

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 2:20 PM

    The ONLY reason he is connected to us is because WE make that happen.

    We would not have to "cut him off". All we would have to do is stop putting in the extra effort on our end.

    He doesn't do relationship maintenance. He doesn't invest in other people. It's a one-way street.

    He wants the "help" & complains when it isn't immediately forthcoming, but he doesn't want to do the work it takes to nurture relationships with the people from whom he expects that "help".

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 2:30 PM

    As I have been chronicling here for the past week, it seems he's about to just stop being in his daughter's life. She has *very lightly* pushed him away due to his lack of involvement & some incidents of broken trust, & he seems to want to just accept that she doesn't want to talk to him & leave it there.

    It's the first time she's testing (as children sometimes do) whether he will persist in loving & caring for her, & he won't even try to clear the hurdle.

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 2:30 PM

    So, when the family stops providing the extra level of support we have been giving him because we want to help him be able to be a father to his daughter, he's going to decide that our love was "transactional" & that we never really cared.

    I can already feel my family shifting towards just directly giving energy to my 10 year old niece who needs love because her dad is being a flake. It sounds like she's going to be living with her mom full time, so he's not our line of connection anymore.

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 2:36 PM

    As far as the daughter thing goes it's like "I don't know what to say, dude. You're choosing not to take your ONE responsibility in life seriously, & that ONE responsibility is a child you CHOSE to have. If you abandon her—a child whom we love—yeah, you might find there actually are conditions for relationships with other adults & in this case one of them is STOP HURTING YOUR CHILD."

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 2:45 PM

    I told Niece's mom that ideally I would LIKE for my brother to stay in Niece's life, but it's starting to look like the child would be better off without his eighth-hearted effort (HALF-hearted is way too much).

    She doesn't need to chase the love of a man who won't show up for her. He's going to keep wounding her over & over.

    That's pretty much where Niece's mom is at, even though she has worked hard to not alienate Niece from her dad.

    How fucking tragic. How absolutely fucking tragic.

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 2:50 PM

    He is going to lose his shit when he finds out that his family does not actually have a tolerance for him ABANDONING his child.

    I mean, look at the self-centered logic: he wants HIS family, including his parents, to continuously show up for him, no matter what, but HE can't even TRY to repair anything with his daughter?

    If it's about what family should do for each other, then he should hurry up & start acting like family to his daughter.

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 2:55 PM

    The reason he is still in our lives now is that we love him to the point that we have been willing to keep trying & we don't like the thought of him suffering.

    He needs to get some perspective & realize that is NOT the love he gives to HIS daughter.

    Lil Sis says it breaks her heart because our dad is her go-to whenever she needs help. No matter what it is, the first step is "I'll call Dad", but Niece doesn't have a dad who is just there for her like that. Not even close.

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 3:01 PM

    Lil Sis also pointed out that if he needs help being a dad—if he actually wanted someone to help him figure it out—he has both a dad AND an older brother with a ton of experience under their belts.

    If he was just lost in the fog of child-rearing, he literally has other men in the family who could tell him some things about kids. But he already knows that the first thing they would tell him is that he needs to invest in her more & take responsibility for developing his relationship with her.

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 3:05 PM

    God damn men who have children that they expect women to raise without their effort.

    Seriously, they can go to hell.

    Lil Sis says that whenever he visits home, he simply leaves our mom & SIL to take care of her & doesn't even seem to recognize that he's handing them work to do. He doesn't think childcare is work when women do it. Only when he does it.

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 3:12 PM

    The part that drives me crazy is that, for all the stupid misogynistic bullshit in the stupid church culture around us, our dad was NEVER a half-hearted dad. He'd get home from work & was immediately helping my mom with us kids, which continued until bedtime.

    I do not remember a time in our lives where our dad in any way suggested that raising kids was "women's work". Mom was a SAHM, so she was the primary caregiver, but if Dad was present, Dad was being a father.

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 3:15 PM

    I see Bro1 do the same thing. I have my problems with him but none of them are related to him failing to be an active, caring presence in their lives. I don't think anyone who sees Bro1 & SIL with their kids could get the impression that SIL does all the work.

    So like...dude, if you need an example of what it looks like to be there for your kid, you have 2.

    But it's wooork.

    Why won't women just raise his child for him?

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 4:53 PM

    It's hard to process that I've reached this point with him after all these years of refusing to give up on him & always thinking the best of him & giving him every benefit of the doubt anywhere that doubt could exist.

    I don't think he's an alcoholic (although I can't know that for sure), but some of his patterns are similar to my ex husband to whom alcoholism was a way of life (if you or someone you are close to have experienced alcoholism, you know what I'm talking about).

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 4:53 PM

    I was talking to a friend & as he was trying to add "benefit of the doubt" kind of ideas, I had to explain that over his whole life—going back to childhood—I have always come up with every best possible explanation for his behavior.

    Unfortunately, no one needs to suggest "maybe it's actually this [slightly more positive interpretation]," because I have BEEN there & DONE that.

    Trust me, if it's a more compassionate explanation for his behavior, I already came up with it & leaned on it hard.

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 4:58 PM

    That's the thing.

    Me being at the end of my rope is a very bad sign for him because it is a very, very long rope.

    Even as recently as last month I was making little excuses for him to other people in the family (which is enabler behavior, by the way).

    I have always been the one saying "give him time" or "I think he's actually been growing a lot lately".

    Please understand, when I write harshly about him, you are reading the words of someone who has only ever tried to think the best of him.

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 5:03 PM

    At this point, making excuses for him, whether to myself or to other people, is only enabling his destructive choices.

    It may come from a place of compassion & hope, but I've been trying to hold his relationships with our family together this whole time & not letting him reap the consequences of his destructive choices. I'm not the only one, not at all, but I may have been the most energetic.

    I have to stop.

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  • The Sleight Doctor 🃏🍉ApostateEnglishman@mastodon.world
    Oct 13, 2026, 2:25 PM

    @artemis Solidarity from afar. We too have a friend we cannot help until she herself admits she has a problem. We've told her we'll always be there for her. But having worked in various support services most of my adult life, I know all too well that some people are beyond help until they actively seek it for themselves.

    Soul-destroying as it may be to watch a loved one self-destruct, sometimes we have to emotionally detach ourselves or they'll only drag us down with them.

    It's a tough lesson.

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  • wing_of_eternitywing_of_eternity@social.stealthy.club
    Oct 13, 2026, 2:07 PM

    @artemis That's a thorny situation. Never heard that before. I wonder if I am depressed given that I am not managing to enjoy anything to the degree I used to? But I think I kind of am. Even if my Family wouldn't believe it, at least they did get me to a psychiatrist, but my issues are more or less with fog, (brain fog, which is very prominent).

    I no longer feel my own thought processes when they occur, not as I used to, I don't feel emotions very well either.

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  • Artemisartemis@dice.camp
    Oct 13, 2026, 2:12 PM

    @wing_of_eternity
    Yeah, that could potentially be depression. A big sign is often emotional numbness. It's not only hard to feel happy...it just gets hard to feel.

    It might not be that, but it could be worth exploring the possibility.

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