It is apparently a deliberate design choice in Zephyr that C++ static constructors are called _after_ kernel and driver init, so you can essentially only safely use C++ in "application code".
I can say with 100% certainty this is the wrong choice.
About ready to give up on this shit.
It strikes me that the reason I'm running into all these basic quality of life (and C++ support) issues, is related to my previous comment about how all the C-based RTOS out there have _suspiciously similar code_. They're all written by the same people, or cross-pollinated by people who moved between places.
The last few RTOS I've worked on were internal, and I (eventually) won battles to make this shit work.
I haven't done that here, and I'm not going to invest in a slop repository.