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  • doomseydoomsey@hachyderm.io
    Apr 1, 2026, 3:52 PM

    I wrote this about 18 months ago. In the time since, I have been trying to grapple with it. Largely that means “hide from myself.” Continue a pattern long established. Be small.

    It’s written down here, and was shared with some friends at the time, so I couldn’t push it aside. Even if I tried to pretend it was false, that I never said that, the words were out there. Taking up space in my head. Being gently pushed, as reminders, by others. I was constantly remembering the words written here even while pretending they refer to events that never had happened. The words helped keep me from running from myself. Running from my truth.

    I talk about moving forward by binding my future self. My self then couldn’t force action. But she could bind me now by proving she exists. This is how she did it.

    Someday I will do more. Today, I do this, and try to believe, just for a moment, that it’s enough.

    Image attached toot
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  • doomseydoomsey@hachyderm.io
    Apr 1, 2026, 3:53 PM

    Coming Out To Myself

    realizing gender identity issues are almost certainly a big part of the depressive episode i had (and was far from the first of its kind) and reviewing the statement of “yeah I probably would have handled gender differently growing up now” and omg and i don’t want to think about it.
    and as a free bonus i’ve been publicly identifying as literally “a cat lady” for years
    also i told you so amirite
    it was never going to happen until things started falling apart, i still know that’s true even with a clearer mind

    so uh I looked back at 10+ years of doing things that were increasingly out of line with my supposed identity
    once as you would say cracked egg
    and people ask me if I’m sure and I said yes and that I’ve been sure for like 5 years and just refused to admit it

    I kind of feel the edges of a me that’s not constantly terrified

    heteronormative brain worm messing with my head: “you can’t be a woman, you don’t have any female friends”
    every possible sense of that statement is a lie
    lots to untrain, that’s all i’m really saying

    in text i used shrug a lot. emoji came around I automatically reached for the feminized one, saw the name, refused to own that identity (!) and fell back to the androgynous one

    add my pronouns.
    wait, i don’t want to. why don’t i want to? oh well just leave it be for another day

    i feel like even being able to take the dysphoric feelings and label them is helping me deal with my life in general
    I had all the information I needed to make this decision 15 years ago and if I couldn’t make it then why am I making it now
    your part of our brain still wants us to suffer

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