Ok, just to sum it up for those following along at home:
NordVPN: confidence scam, the Raid: Shadow Legends of VPNs
Surfshark: owned by NordVPN
Mozilla VPN: reseller of Mullvad
Tailscale: partners with Mullvad
ExpressVPN: Israeli
Private Internet Access: ditto
ZenMate VPN: ditto
CyberGhost VPN: ditto
Windscribe: edgy branding, transphobic, uses slurs on social media
ProtonVPN: sponsors French fascists
MullvadVPN: donates millions to Swedish fascists

am I missing any?

e: if you are here looking for ones you SHOULD use, these were recommended to me and seem to check out:
https://vpn.ccrypto.org
https://njal.la
or self-host your own:
https://amnezia.org/self-hosted