I am the withered form in the attic that keeps my profile picture from ageing

they should invent a recliner that catapults you into bed when you fall asleep

*takes out earbud* yes, im listening your honor

I was hooked on phonics once. The withdrawals were brutal.

Went completely nonverbal for a few weeks.

ME, sliding money across the table: maybe this crisp fiver will help

THEM: we’re talking on the phone ?

ME: *rubbing the bill into the phone*

It was kind of a small nightmare. More like a nightpony.

sharing a sauna with some very hot strangers (stuck in the subway with overheated commuters)

But if I leave the house, the house will be lonely

Gonna take American Psycho to the next level and hold meetings where I'm doing crunches the whole tome.

in the land of wedgies the commandos will reign

RE: https://mastodon.social/@Girl_a_whirl/116896413327203789

*takes a long drag off cigarette*

*has massive coughing fit*

*leaves to go lay down somewhere*

RE: https://beige.party/@the_etrain/116896373932761442

*takes a long drag off cigarette* 1987? Our hair was teased high & heavily shellacked, not even the atom bomb could penetrate the ‘do’

*long drag on cigarette* 1987? Everyone had buns of steel and all the phones were dumb. It was nice.

There’s little difference in trying to get out of a sports bra and doing the Hokey Pokey.

[inspector gadget adjusting his goalie gloves as officials flip through the rule book]

Driverless cars are just Roombas with a dream

never count your chickens before they hatch. make them earn their title of nobility

Unreconcilable couples fight in divorce code

Dental hygienist: how often do you floss?
Me: Every time I eat Triscuits

*temp drops below freezing*
*flushes I•want•a•divorce in Morse code during his shower*