if uh. my recent vents on my mental health didn't suggest it. but i could use some help being able to afford something. anything. for dinner for me and my partner.
we don't have anything that we can make on hand that isn't going to take forever.
https://ko-fi.com/senil
https://paypal.me/senil888streams
im sorry for continuing to fucking ask for help...
i don't know what I'll do if neither of my current job apps that show signs of going anywhere end up positive. im scared that I'll seriously slip and fuckin do it.
i just want to be able to function without randomly getting hit by debilitating intrusive thoughts of stabbing myself or worrying that I'll get an intrusive thought and jump in front of a car or somehow (despite literally not owning any means to) shoot myself in the head.
im fucking exhausted y'all. im fucking done.
fucking hate this, i want to get up and get thing and whatnot for dinner but im shut down so hard that i can't even get off of the loveseat without breaking down more.
love it when i enter a panic state hard out of nowhere just because my brain decided to go "hey what if you stabbed yourself really hard right here right now."
right when my partner and I need to get stuff from the store that we couldn't get earlier today.
and then i just totally shut down and become dysfunctional and I'm feeling the selective mutism kicking in.
they're just... so cute... they were so confused by the paper (see above video).
African painted dogs!!! (taken by my fiance who's at the zoo)
that went fairly well. still stressed out of course, but it was much more relaxed than last week's thankfully. Guy is basically hiring his replacement since he stepped up to be the facilities manager and he was the previous controls engineer a few months ago.
two and a half hours to today's interview and im stressin' the hell out already :senSad:
can someone make me extremely big and large for a few hours? i think just being huge would help with my stress.
(i know i talked about re-building everything in zola but that's just. so much goddamn effort for this and the way people structure themes for zola feels confusing?)
i might re-build my furry site into a combo main site + blog, i stumbled across a good eleventy theme with good support for both. buttt of course it'd mean re-writing every single thing to do that.
but ig i could stop paying carrd annually just to use custom domains and no other major features.
why must hosting code elsewhere to both a. share and 2. keep in an additional place that isn't my devices so annoying to plan for.
weh. i wanna move my shit off of github but a. i still really want something akin to github pages and 2. im not totally sold on "everything must be open source licensed" (even though realistically most of my public work would be)
and almost right on cue the desire to cut myself has kicked in. fun, that's nice that this happens.
Dx accidentally way overstimulated myself and now im crashed hard.
weh...
blegh. hips hurt & im hungry. got stuff for dinner but neither me nor my partner are doin' great (mentally or physically) to cook bc of course. as is tradition.
everyone is (allegedly) hiring but nobody wants to actually hire someone with less experience :/
hell, I just saw a role with a range of 95k to 140k that wanted at least a Masters degree, preferably a PhD in a certain field. Your ass is not likely to get someone with a PhD for that pay range.
job hunting sucks ass :<