In conversations over the past few days a few things have struck me as true.
1- my British auntie here, one of the most negative friends I have in Thailand, told me that I’m being too negative 🙀 That I must simply put the fear and the guilt around leaving into a little box and move forward.
2- my husband reminding me that nervousness can be a sign of excitement, rather than fear.
3- telling stories of living in the SNOW to our friends that have never experienced it. My friend Koi is curling her toes in absolute delight, her eyes filled with wonder as we regale the plights of waking to a meter of snow at a time. Snow cannot be stopped, it will add an extra hour of exercise to your day just to leave the house and it will effect your commute. Snow will effect your community, we check on our neighbors and shovel their path for them when they cannot. Snow is challenging. … flooding is challenging. It can come in the middle of the night and it will bring an extra hour or more of shuffling everything in the house around, flooding will affect your commute and your community, we will check on our relations and help them move their things to higher ground.
Can I transmute my fears of flooding happening in the night into a type of excitement the way I experience snow?
I may be too tired to care any more. I have enough money to get into the apartment and make a payment on the truck, but the apartment will not be available until October 15. If I bolt to a hotel, like my nervous system wants me to, I will not be able to afford to get into the apartment when it comes available. I’m here, in this house, for two more weeks if I cannot fundraise enough. I’m tired y’all. And my words just aren’t wording the way I need anymore. Thank you for the support, for reading and sitting with me in the uncertainty.