I've seen that some folks here have had traumatic childhoods.
I did as well, my father was an emotionally unavailable functioning alcoholic who chased my mother off when I was 8. I saw my mother for a day or two every few weeks until I left for college.
I struggled with the aftermath of that for decades.
I was eventually referred to a group, the ACA; Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Households.
They have "The Laundry List", describing the characteristics of an Adult Child:
1) We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2) We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3)We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
4) We either became alcoholics, married them or both, or found another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
5) We live life from the viewpoint of victims, and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
6) We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
7) We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
8) We became addicted to excitement.
9) We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
10) We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
11) We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12) We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
13) Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
14) Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Not every Adult Child shares all of these traits, of course.
If some of these traits ring true with you, this organization can help:
adultchildren.org
The foundation literature:
The Big Red Book
adultchildren.org/aca-fellowship-text
This is a 12 step program, however belief in God is not mandatory, Agnostics and Atheists are welcome.
The only requirement for membership in ACA is a desire to recover from the effects of growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family.
If you have questions, I can try to help via DM.
