cleared 60k words at the Grand Gesture. all that's left is the "Yes!" and the victory lap (maybe-probably a celebratory sex scene), and then the epilogue.

#amWriting #BrickedUp #PegCitySapphics

You cannot spell bad bitch without chat

tfw you realize you started this chapter entirely wrong and the revision will be a million times better but it still means you need to toss what you've already got on the page into the trash

#amWriting #BrickedUp #PegCitySapphics

the over-the-back-fence neighbours have their grandkids over and the baby babbling coming through our windows is giving me LIFE

omg what a surprise! </sarcasm>

https://mastodon.world/@jblue/116750051598685494

i am not a fan of this headache

You strengthen a nation by strengthening communities.
You strengthen communities by strengthening trust.
You strengthen trust by reducing violence.
You reduce violence by reducing crime.
You reduce crime by reducing poverty.
You reduce poverty by increasing wages.
You increase wages by strengthening unions.
You strengthen unions by penalizing violators.
You penalize violators by taxing billionaires.

It's not that complicated. You want a happy, healthy, strong, thriving nation? Tax the rich.

i really cannot adequately express just how *right* my body feels now.

i never knew it could be like this.

glorious.

#TransJoy

im writing again, and i keep getting struck by how EASY it is now. i dont want to minimize the craft or whatever, its just that doing anything when you're pulling out of 100% capacity is easier than doing it when youre pulling out of 20% capacity.

thats a pattern that im noticing basically everywhere in my life.

everything is easier, which makes me realize how hard everything used to be.

#DysphoriaFuckedMeUp

even more embarrassing: ive always wanted to be a fiction author, and my stupid habit of saying 'yes i've got this' to every single little thing meant that i never got to actually focus on that. trans people talk about time lost a lot, and this is my big loss: all the years i could have been writing what i wanted to write, instead of whatever random 'problem' i was throwing my time at, instead.

because i could never stop. if i stopped, id actually notice my dysphoria.

#DysphoriaFuckedMeUp

and its HARD. and as i develop this habit, i see how many times and how many places ive fucked shit up because i just threw myself at whatever problem happened to wander into my peripheral vision.

this is, frankly, one of the reasons i never developed a lasting professional presence or brand. i was all over the place, doing everything adequately instead of doing a few things well. (and also other parts of my life kept blowing up, which complicates things, too)

#DysphoriaFuckedMeUp

it is a little embarrassing to admit that at 48 im just now starting to ask myself if any given task is something i can or should do. taking a moment to actually speak aloud those questions, ask other people their opinions, see if somebody else is already doing that work, or has a plan for that work, or knows how to do that work better than i do. that's my green growing edge right now.

#DysphoriaFuckedMeUp

for most of my life, if you needed something done, or you voiced aloud the thought that maybe it'd be nice if something might be done, i was your girl (even if neither of us really understood the 'girl' part). i volunteered, i organized, i even designed, wrote, and published entire RPGs because somebody floated an idea they hoped somebody else would do.

and to be clear: i got a LOT of things done! i also produced a lot of flaming piles of wreckage. (see also: marriage #1)

#DysphoriaFuckedMeUp

the other shortcut that dysphoria taught me was never saying 'no i cant do that' which sounds like it's not actually a bandwidth-conserving shortcut but remember: these terrible decisions only have to conserve bandwidth in the short term, not the long term. and never stopping and thinking 'can i actually pull that off?' or 'am i the right person to volunteer to do this thing that needs doing?' saves a LOT of introspection!

#DysphoriaFuckedMeUp

id like to say my second and current marriage didnt start that way, but it did, and it's only because @hopepunk is patient and kind and amazing that weve shifted things into a functional relationship. that work is still ongoing (because that work is always ongoing) and SO FREAKING MUCH of it consists of me pulling out of my head and my heart all the bullshit habits and lessons and shortcuts that dysphoria planted in me decades back.

#DysphoriaFuckedMeUp

but when you grow up lying to your loved ones because it keeps you alive (whether you fully appreciate that calculus at the time), it becomes a habit and you keep doing it even if maybe it's not keeping you alive any more.

my first marriage, for instance, was just a pile of lies and masking and desperately wanting to get as close to femininity as i thought was possible for me. that relationship cost me dearly, and it ended terribly for everyone involved.

#DysphoriaFuckedMeUp

this is as close as i come, really, to 'i wish i transitioned earlier:' i wish i had been able to be honest and present with my loved ones enough to stop and unpack how i felt, which by necessity would have meant cracking my egg.

and since we're in the realm of wishing, we can pretend like that would have gone well, and teen me in 1990 could have miraculously accessed gender affirming care and not ended up dead.

whoops, got a little morbid, there.

#DysphoriaFuckedMeUp

the decisions that i regret the most are when i lied to my loved ones, which happened a lot, especially when we count all the times i told my loved ones that i was fine when i really, really was not.

as much as i loved them, i needed them to not worry about me, because them worrying about me and me responding to that would burn more bandwidth, and i just didn't have any to spare.

#DysphoriaFuckedMeUp

and the thing about living with 80% of your bandwidth consumed by dysphoria and tamping down dysphoria? you make so many "bad" decisions, decisions which have terrible long-term consequences but have short-term upsides that will keep you standing and moving. because when you're only working with 20% of your bandwidth, you've got to take shortcuts. there's no other way.

my life history is basically built out of bad decisions and shortcuts.

That's maybe the worst way #DysphoriaFuckedMeUp .