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  • Michael of Ragged Featherssignalstation@raggedfeathers.com
    Oct 26, 2026, 3:29 AM

    Every time I wake up, I'm the only one here.

    Every time I come home, I'm the only one here.

    I see things at the grocery store she'd like and I don't buy them.

    I buy too much food. It's been four months. Hard to buy produce for one.

    Been visiting the gym. The doctor. Not sure why. This urge to keep living.

    I don't have a belief system where we'll be reunited but I do believe that when I die, I'll stop. The pain will stop but not yet. We're still going.

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Replies

  • Michael of Ragged Featherssignalstation@raggedfeathers.com
    Oct 26, 2026, 3:33 AM

    I've always tried to approach my own art without thinking about why. I want to create art the same way a clam creates a pearl. It just does.

    But it was also true that much of it was for her. She was the first person I'd show anything... a doodle, a joke, a music mix. It was also to make her happy because life's not easy. She took meds for depression but I could make her laugh.

    I'm still laughing, but mostly in wonder at how it keeps hurting.

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  • Michael of Ragged Featherssignalstation@raggedfeathers.com
    Oct 26, 2026, 3:41 AM

    When the police were here, the day she passed, they took a moment before all the emergency services people left and said "There's going to be a moment, quite soon now, where we're all going to leave and you're going to be all alone. So if there's anything we can do to help you now... anyone we can call... let us know."

    I declined.

    But they were right about the coming moment, when everyone is gone.

    It's a big moment. And it doesn't only happen once.

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  • Michael of Ragged Featherssignalstation@raggedfeathers.com
    Oct 26, 2026, 3:46 AM

    Friends and family gather in the wake of grief, but at some point, folks need to go home, or get back to work. They can't stay forever.

    And for weeks, or months, friends will try as hard as they can to check in, or stop by, or make plans... but they can't be there forever.

    What's waiting— the forever that's waiting— is the quiet after everyone leaves. That's the heart of it. Where the struggle takes place. Where you find out.

    What's left of you.

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  • Michael of Ragged Featherssignalstation@raggedfeathers.com
    Oct 26, 2026, 3:37 AM

    @hilljam

    Thanks, Jamie, I appreciate it.

    It's been a long four months, which is nothing compared to the unknown amount of time that yawns ahead.

    But to some extent, we're trying to write through it... to feel our way through it.

    It helps get through the long evenings, when things feel too quiet.

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  • jamie hill🏴‍☠️hilljam@mastodon.social
    Oct 26, 2026, 6:49 PM

    @signalstation my mom died unexpectedly a few months ago, so i relate on a small level. my experience has been that time helps and distraction helps. i think writing and feeling your way through it is the best possible plan.

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  • Michael of Ragged Featherssignalstation@raggedfeathers.com
    Oct 26, 2026, 8:07 PM

    @hilljam

    Sorry to hear about your loss.

    Today we had a pleasant walk through the shaded paths of UC Berkeley after successfully giving a chat to some int'l students, music in our ears from our phone... a few moments of being happy to be alive on this planet.

    It still happens.

    And we hold that close when we go down in to BART and remember all the trips to Berkeley with AJ that are now locked in the past. A fixed number.

    A closed chapter.

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  • jamie hill🏴‍☠️hilljam@mastodon.social
    Oct 26, 2026, 8:50 PM

    @signalstation the closed chapter aspect is super weird. There’s not a day that goes by when I don’t think of something that I really wish I could ask her. But the bright spots are seeming to subtly increase every day? It’s not the same as losing a partner. That will take much longer. But I hope that your trajectory is also upwards.

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  • Michael of Ragged Featherssignalstation@raggedfeathers.com
    Oct 26, 2026, 9:35 PM

    @hilljam

    That's one possibility.

    The other is that I'm now like an insect with a couple crushed limbs. I can drag myself along, but I'm never going to be whole again.

    Time will tell.

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  • batkarenbatkaren@mastodon.online
    Oct 26, 2026, 4:45 AM

    @signalstation I lost my best friend / sister three years ago, and it’s clear grief is never not going to be a motherfucker in my life from here on out. It’s weird how it just integrates into your life.

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  • Michael of Ragged Featherssignalstation@raggedfeathers.com
    Oct 26, 2026, 4:49 AM

    @batkaren

    It draws a pretty clear and unforgettable demarcation line between the pre-grief You and the post-grief You and one of them definitely had an easier time of things.

    I leave it as an exercise for the reader to determine which one.

    I've heard some stuff like "oh, the first year is the hardest, with the freshness and the anniversaries" but also "no, the second year is worst because you aren't distracted anymore" so... great.

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  • Michael of Ragged Featherssignalstation@raggedfeathers.com
    Oct 26, 2026, 4:51 AM

    @batkaren

    I imagine if I were willing/able to enter into some sort of community of fellows on this front, I'd eventually be allowed in the inner circle where they say "it just sucks forever, but humans are good at getting used to things that suck... you'll see" and that's it.

    I skipped the meetings and went straight to that conclusion.

    But also, it's been 4 months, I probably don't know anything.

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  • batkarenbatkaren@mastodon.online
    Oct 26, 2026, 4:51 AM

    @signalstation I think the main thing with time is just you accept and acclimate to it and make it part of you. It doesn’t feel so unreal, but you also feel a bit horrified by how you’ve just accepted it.

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  • HtephGoblinQuester@dice.camp
    Oct 26, 2026, 5:38 AM

    @signalstation @batkaren I would say that the greif hits the same even after years, but it hits less often and there is more time in between to have a "normal" life.
    I made a decision that try to enjoy each day as much as possible and make no decisions about going on until after ten years.
    Some day are still heavey half way way in, but I have reconnected to an old friend that makes life having a bit of colour again.

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