I can't tell apart romantic and platonic
I just have care, trust, lust, obsession, and possessiveness. These 5, that I can feel for multiple entities at a time, in amounts varying over time both per entity and in general, and that's just me, other headmates have it different
I'm tired of trying to fit myself into incomprehensible standards of what's platonic vs what's reserved for those "dating" only. The times I had crushes were only ever based on the 5 base feelings, and thus, evolved accordingly.
I wanna say "I love you" to anyone I care about a lot, I wanna fuck anyone I find hot, and I am not gonna get into the latter two since they basically boil down to BPD things
Fucking someone and caring about them a lot can trigger the latter two, and the latter two tend to trigger the former two. Labels like "dating" can feed possessiveness which makes me feel good, but feeding it too far gets me into a BPD loop that's hard to get out of. Feeding it too little and my brain can start erasing memories or feelings from memories and make me care less and less.
I often live day-to-day, and easily make life-changing decisions, like going yo live with someone I met and mutually started obsessing over within 2 weeks, granted it is logistically possible and I'm not hurting someone I care about too much. All 5 are intertwined in complex ways, and it makes relationships difficult and often intense and unstable.
I don't know myself if this model is accurate, because I don't even know myself, I barely know my own personality, all I know are memories of experiments and often out of date with my current everchanging mess of personality traits I copied from those I like or liked.
Barely anyone that gets close to me stays, most ghost me, for varying reasons. This pisses me off to no end, because it hurts a fuckton. Either just talk to me about what's wrong or at least say a goodbye or something, or DON'T EVEN GET CLOSE TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE
I'm transparent as fuck about myself, just LEAVE (and say why) or at least WARN ME you might. Of COURSE I will be hurt. But way less than if we get even closer, and then I get randomly ghosted for the 31st time (this ain't hyperbole - number is around 25 to 30 counting only partners - counting also ftiends, 40-50. Just since 2023). What, are you gonna trolley problem this one? I'd much rather lose a friend I somewhat trust than have that friend become a partner and lose them then, with zero indication whatsoever.
This is why I never believe anyone who says they are never gonna leave. Yk why? Because 98% of those that left said that.
PLEASE just talk to me about what you are feeling from me, don't be scared of "hurting my feelings" then joining the 30+ statistic when it bubbles over. Bonus points for never returning because "what if she hates me" (spoiler: I might now, but if you apologize then return, I probably won't. If we got along once, we probably will again. But gotta work on any trust that existed. But I'm probably just gonna be happy someone I liked is back.
I can't think of ever turning away someone that ghosted me, and it's pretty much THE worst way someone can hurt me. One entity did particular amounts of damage, to the point I had recurring CPTSD flashbacks I got into drugs just to make them stop. She's a friend now, which made the flashbacks stop. We made her giving me CPTSD flashbacks into a joke, and I jokingly call her xanax fuel.
What does that teach you? There's basically nothing I won't forgive. I like being on good terms with entities, esp. entities I got along with really well in the past. I usually don't forget what happened, but I forgive, and don't hold it over your head. At my core, I'm a creature of empathy, so I can more often than not understand and empathize.
Idk how far you have to push me before I can't forgive.
I just want love and care. I don't want to be hurt anymore. The past is irrelevant to that, and only serves to inform the present and future, but is only a minor source of information - entities change, and often a lot, in short time. Esp. those of us with BPD.