In the event it's unclear, this is a compliment to all of my fellow weirdos. Thanks for helping to make a cozy and comfortable space where we can feel safe to be ourselves.

Mastodon makes me feel not as weird because the people here tend to relate to what I'm saying, but then I remember that it's just because we're all weird over here.

Vaccines in America:

"Sorry, you're not old enough to get the vaccine for the disease that you're already old enough to get."

It's like they're intentionally trying to upset me.

If anyone is curious, this is what my scar looks like at this exact moment, about 1.5 years after the initial biopsy.

The full story is that I first noticed the gross mole on my neck in the center photo and then a doctor was like "bruh, that looks sus AF" so they did a biopsy which features the photos on the left and then they were like "bad news, homie, it's cancerous" so then they gave me the option of a straight cut that would be like 3 inches long across my neck or the "pucker" option so of course I was like "give me the butthole, fam" so here we are.

This is your annual reminder to get your suspicious moles checked out so that you can end up with a scar that looks like a gaping butthole but at least you won’t be dead from cancer.

I stopped into a place for brunch in old Sacramento and the bartender asked if we were there for the Ironman that's apparently happening in town and I audibly laughed and, when I realized he wasn't joking, I was just like "Oh, uh, no. I’m here for mimosas."

For the record, they were all very nice people. I just think it's funny to paste this weird photo of Kev over and over again because he looks really dubious in it.

Throwback to this time last year when @KevBot and I went to Best Friends Forever Fest and made friends with this group of strangers and ended up in this group photo (their faces have all been replaced with Kev's because I don't know if they want them blasted all over Mastodon since they are, after all, strangers).

It's like the show Futureman except they need me to save the planet by strategically stacking things since I’m so good at Tetris.

I mean, she wasn't wrong.

I figured I'd be nice and compile all of my dying wishes into one post so that you don't have any excuses for forgetting any of my demands.

Thinking about the time when my frenemy from high school tried to throw shade at me by implying that the girl from Dinner in America was my doppelgänger but the joke's on her because I embraced it and made it my entire personality.

Comment with JELLOAF if you want my recipe for air fryer Jello.

My most recent posts have been somewhat inappropriate, so apologies to everyone who recently followed me after I posted my recipe for Healthy, Tasty, and Easy Air Fryer Banana Bread.

There are a lot of smart people on Mastodon, so I’m looking for someone with the knowledge to help me build a death pod but it's more like a badass bobsled that rides a water slide into a volcano but it can't be plastic because it would melt and it probably shouldn't be metal because it would likely get too hot before you were launched into the lava so please let me know what materials would work best because this is not something I want to mess up.

Please boost for visibility.

Find someone who looks at you the way I look at Cosmic Brownies.

"When you referred to my excessive attention to minute details as being pedantic, the word you were looking for was actually meticulous..."

No. I absolutely meant to say pedantic.

I was at a taqueria yesterday and this big guy came in asking about happy hour specials and I'm really nosy so, in this time, I learned that he worked at a tattoo parlor which made sense since he was a tough tattoo parlor lookin' type and then he started talking about how this time of year is his favorite and I was thinking "Yeah, Halloween, that tracks" and then he proceeded to say "'cuz I’m a pumpkin spice freak."

I don’t like pumpkin spice anything, but I love that big tough guy for saying he was a "pumpkin spice freak."