edit; we've also remembered disability plays a huge part in this. we've discovered a bunch of methods that would break this cycle for us... If, we could heal our malnutrition enough. Which is very difficult atm, especially with how isolated we are.
Ok, onto the actual post;
our mind lets us, forget some things easily if we're desperate enough, if doing so will obtain us something we dearly need
and as far as i can recall outside of family,
what we've dearly needed have been socials
our mind also, likely for a similar reason, learns things really really easily. to the point of significant risk of introjection, but never quite crossing the point of extreme removal of boundaries that we've seen many plural collectives experience.
This also allows us to care about things on a very deep level after reinforcing them enough, due in part to how much we know, yet at the same time keep shallow enough to ease into it and forget- as to the first point of this post.
Its, just, maleable enough for these things to be true. And we've been severely, socially isolated pretty much our whole life, with a physical disability that causes severe hyper-sensitive reaction under stress.
All these, combine to mean that we keep, seeming to forget yellow and red flags, social concerns, stuff we'd worry about ,etc, in desperation to find connection with someone who shares many other things with us.
And then when we remember, usually when something in or related the interaction stresses us but sometimes just since it becomes too much. And we, collapse, it all collapses at once.
The red flags are suddenly obvious, the stress is unbearable, and we try our best to find a way out of the situation without causing anyone harm (especially since this is now someone we care about).
This, traumatic experience, then heavily reinforces our positions after we process it. The good parts (including good criticisms of us, that don't contradict what we forgot) from the beings we connected with, we may hold onto heavily, even if subconciously, because we're desperate to gain something from it.
The bad parts, become much more clear on why they're bad, while our own mistakes in handling the situation become ones we even more want to avoid. even tho we, usually can't or don't, in the moment.
This , cycle continues, and we keep finding connections and severing them, over and over and over. We can't count how many times its occured.
We're now at a point where we're afraid we'll never find anyone who's willing and able to align with us enough that, we'd, feel fully seen.
And perhaps more importantly, we don't know what to, think or feel about this.
