Once her divorce comes through, Kristi and Corey can have all the dirty, dirty sex they want.
- some damn Norm Macdonald thing

Warmer, more engaging movie . . .

A Texas boy who doesn't play football is the equivalent of a conscientious objector.

Donnie Wahlberg is still on TV!
- something I learned during a commercial break on Survivor

I just had a twenty-minute conversation with Mitch McConnell. I said "goo goo" a lot, and he said "ga ga" once.

Is a river a good place to dump a body?

I don't think Shane Gillis will be joining the Five-Timers Club any time soon.

If somebody's running with a chainsaw, leave them alone. They're probably doing a massacre.

Let's get small. (takes a hit off a helium balloon) Let's get really small.

Megyn Kelly has two X chromosomes and one of them is making her cray-cray.

I wonder if Marky Mark will model Depends.

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Rich is good. Rich and naive is better.

Dead Presidents: The Art of Jon McNaughton

I will move to Texas and shoot at things!

Rami Makek's a gypsy, and he's not evil.

Why am I eating Cheez-Its? I don't even like Cheez-Its.

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I am not . . .

"I am not a lizard person" is exactly what a lizard person would say.

The difference between Tom Cruise and Peter Dinklage is it's kind of OK to call Tom Cruise a midget.