Sure, I could “work on myself.” Or I could fake my own death and become The Legendary Masked Juggler

Another night of feeling kinda sad, then hungry, then sleepy, then sad again, then slightly horny

If I were my brain, I would simply chill out for once

I’ll stop at nothing to give up immediately

There are many big things to freak out about right now, but don’t forget to freak out about the little things too

Hopefully you’re all in love with me by now, or else what's the point of all this

If I had a dollar for every time I needed a dollar, that would be convenient

You rarely hear bad news about cheese

Pretty sure life never makes sense. You just get old and pretend to understand it

You should stay up and read more posts. You’re just getting to the good part

Relax. Everything will be fine. Not for you, of course. But somewhere, things are fine for somebody

Self care is so important. Can somebody else do it for me

All the tasks are done. Time to flatten myself on a rectangle

This is the last straw. All straw manufacturers have shut down for some reason

You can lead a horse to water, but it won’t be impressed. Horses know about water

CASHIER: Is there anything else?
ME [whispering]: There’s a whole world out there

If you’re happy and you know it, keep that information private, weirdo

Coping about the things I can’t change, seething about the things I can

I prefer a Milk Hotel that isn't afraid to take sides

The enemy of my enemy is actually also pretty annoying