‘Microsoft down everybody, we’re gonna watch a movie’

I hereby declare that Omaha, the most populous city in the great state of Nebraska, will henceforth be known as ‘Obamaha’. Thank you for your attention to this matter!

This is obviously for Dolly 💁‍♀️

2026 better contain bug fixes and improvements

Officer I had to get my phone out; look how cute this mthrfkr is

1: don’t
2: buy
3: anything
4: at
5: all

You know when you forget to do something?

Man, I just wish my dad lived long enough to hear white guys telling each other to go back to Africa

‘GET THE PACKAGE OUT OF THE GARBAGE AND TELL ME WHAT THE INSTRUCTIONS SAY’

Mitt Romney, inventor of the baseball mitt (it was nearly called a baseball Romney)

I mean, check this out: https://youtu.be/7LwfMct3Jzs?si=U4ZH9EfnZAYC9Lnp #TuneTuesday

Why didn’t you guys tell me it’s sOBeR ocToBer 🥴

Made my son (14) avocado toast as he was getting ready for school. He said ‘djfjejdi jdjdjs’, I said ‘what?’ So he said it again ‘hdjsjfkd ksjdjdb’ I said ‘what?’ again, and then he said ‘balsamic vinegar’ 🥑

I’m surprised that people are saying that the new joker movie isn’t good when the first joker movie also wasn’t good

When I saw this pic in Guitar World as a kid in the 80’s, it convinced me I needed to have a collection of at least a dozen guitars

Look, I’ll gladly do the groceries, but I can’t guarantee that fennel-man won’t appear afterwards

Sorry I'm late, there was a huge DDoS attack on my alarm clock

Can’t believe I’ve had dementia since birth!

The spirit of my dad, in a child’s body, enjoying the cable news coverage of the 34 charges