Look at all the wood crumbs out here.

I love all cheese. I’m not saving cheese to try later. I’m a forward-thinking cheese monger.

I don’t want to die in a dress.

No, it’s not that. I’m just really full of cheese and disappointment.

I once accidentally got a slanket when I wanted a snuggie.

As a woman, you should avoid the balls. Balls are never satisfying.

I shouldn’t criticize, because if you were from a place that didn’t know that seagulls were scary dumpster divers, you might find that enchanting.

My mom got really into crocheting in prison.

You’d text us from your barndominium and say, “We’re watching ‘Sluts on ‘Luudes on Venus’ — come over!”

I cared, but I did it anyway.

You sound like a sex offender.

Wait, is that dancing? Are you sure you don’t just have body lice?

No, wait, what’s the dwarf? Dorky?

That was such a backhanded affirmation.

Look who turns into a little dehydrated bitch when he’s been drinking.

Catch that mouse
Barf inside the house
They call me Socks
I poop inside a box

Meow meow meow meow

(sung to the tune of “Whip It”)

Can you imagine having a sweaty Thanksgiving?

I would date a llama before I dated that. I would rather see a Tesla truck.

It’s a forty-dollar sausage party….

She can go! I’ve seen dogs out there uglier than her.