Why don’t turkeys go to bars?

Because they’re already roasted by the end of the night.

Why are skeletons such bad liars?

Nothing left to hide behind.

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they spend their first night at Mary’s parents’ house.

The next morning, little Johnny gets up and has breakfast. As he heads out the door for school, he asks his mom,

“Are Fred and Mary up yet?”

She replies, “No.”

Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom quickly replies, “Never mind what you think! Just go to school.”

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,

“Are Fred and Mary up yet?”

She replies, “No.”

Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom sighs.

“Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.”

After school, Johnny comes home and asks,

“Are Fred and Mary up yet?”

His mom says, “No.”

Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom finally gives in.

“Okay! What do you think?”

Johnny grins and says,

“Well, last night Fred came in asking for some Vaseline… and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”

@jokes A party in outer space is even more of a hit if you can invite some stars. Then everyone who shows up will be just over the moon about it. My puns are getting crater by the minute.

How do you prepare for a party in outer space?

You planet.

Why are ghosts such bad liars?

You can see straight through them.

Q: What’s the difference between Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga?
A: One of them has balls and it ain't Bieber.

Ghosts don’t date. They haunt the same three people for forty years and call it commitment.

Why do ghosts make terrible one-night stands?
They can never keep it up long enough to be seen.

My Halloween costume this year is “financially stable”. Nobody believed it for a second.

Q: Where do most ghouls and goblins live today?

A: In North Scarolina and South Scarolina.

A man was out for a walk with his new girlfriend when they passed a farm and saw two dogs mating.

She asked, “How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?”

He replied, “He can smell that she’s ready. That’s how nature works.”

A little farther down the road, they passed a field where a ram was mating with a ewe.

Again, his girlfriend asked, “How does the ram know when the ewe is ready for sex?”

He answered, “It’s nature. He can smell that she’s ready.”

They continued walking and soon passed another pasture where a bull was mating with a cow.

His girlfriend said, “This is strange. They’re really going at it. Surely the bull can’t smell when she’s ready?”

“Oh yes,” he replied. “It’s nature. All male animals can smell when the female is ready.”

After their walk, he dropped her off at home and kissed her goodbye.

As she got out of the car, she smiled and said,

“Take care, and maybe get yourself tested for COVID.”

Surprised, he asked, “Why would you say that?

She replied,

“Because you seem to have lost your sense of smell.”

Q: Why did the monster go inside the bar?

A: For the boos.

Q: Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the sides of their ships?

A: So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

Q: Why are pumpkins better than men?

A: Every year you get a fresh crop to choose from.

Q: Why did the headless horseman start his own business?
A: To get ahead in life.

Q: Do you know what killed the man who had a two ton pumpkin fall on him?

A: He was squashed.

If you put your wife in the trunk for an hour and also your dog in the trunk for an hour, who would be glad to see you when you opened it?

Q: Why do we carve pumpkins at Halloween?
A: Because they have less blood and aren’t as messy as animals.

Why don’t witches wear underwear?

Better grip on the broomstick!