I always taunt my dog by never telling him who the good boy is.

My doctor says I've developed altheletes foot, but it's not made me run any faster.

It ain't what you do it's the way that you do it,
It ain't what you do it's the way that you do it,
It ain't what you do it's the way that you do it,
And that's what gets you fired.

Teacher: "What's your favourite letter?"
Pupil: "Its G, sir"
Teacher: "Why's that, Angus?"

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Doorbell repair service.

I Googled my illness symptoms and it said sprinkle with grated cheese and grill for ten minutes.

My mate was sceptical that I'd caught measles, but now he's beginning to join the dots.

A spider wrecking its web after catching a fly is like me trashing my house after I've made a Pot Noodle.

If you get drunk on shorts,
is that being inabbreviated?

The Domino Effect is a chain of events initiated after having eaten pizza.

I'm doing it.
My joke book is under way.
Formatting and editing as I type.
Then you can all own a piece of my brain.

You.

Have.

Been.

Warned.

I'll always remember the last thing my dad said to me before he died: "It's the blue wire".

Grizzly bears motto:
Don't maul us, we'll maul you!

Pachyderm: Acne relief cream for elephants.

I would tell you how apathetic I am but can't be bothered.

Starsailor sang "Silence is Easy". But it seems some people find it so f****** hard.

Folding fitted sheets. Proof positive that God loves a trier.

Bought some self assembly furniture.
Turns out I have to do it.

I like flashing lights, on and off.

How do you measure how heavy time is?
Weight a minute.