alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

We swore we weren’t gonna get another grandma after the last one died, but when we saw this one at the shelter, we just knew we had to have her.

Whoever did this and I would get along well.

“First, I’d like to say how excited we both are to be here with you this morning.”

sons of bibliography

AS IF I DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT

“Good morning, my little minions.”

One evening, several years ago, after nearly half a century, I was finally able to fulfill a lifelong ambition. A man walked into my store, obviously drunk, and asked me to call him a cab. I looked him squarely in the eyes and said, “You’re a cab.” Keep the faith, people. Dreams really do come true.

one ring to rule them all

A. Gerald enjoys museums
B. Scott enjoys museums
C. Gerald loves antiquing
D. Scott loves antiquing
E. Gerald fits Scott
F. Scott Fitzgerald

“And when you turn the left tap?”
“Kittens.”
“I’ll take it.”

the survival instinct is strong in this one

We share myriad facial expressions with our simian cousins. Among the most common are those engendered by happiness, anger, surprise, fear, sadness, and kale.

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

must have been one helluva chase

Most potential pet owners consider things like breeding, size, coat, intelligence, trainability, and temperament. Often overlooked is the crucially important element of aerodynamics, which can greatly affect your gas mileage, raising the overall cost of ownership significantly.

Pigeons were used extensively during WWI and WWII, carrying information over enemy lines, and saving thousands of lives. Innate intelligence, speed and endurance served them well on missions, as did an uncanny talent for camouflage. See if you can spot the pigeon in this picture.

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, "You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it."