I used to work in a Littlewoods food hall in the 90s I was a 16yo boy on pre-minimum wage. I had no interest in learning the difference between the 8 types of apples, or potatoes. Everyone got charged the cheap price.

It's only since being married that I've learnt It's possible to buy the wrong sort of shallots.

Monthly date night with the wife tonight. I decided to do a bit of "manscaping" with my beard trimmer in anticipation. Succeeded in taking a chunk out of my scrotum near the base of my nob and bleeding like a stuck pig. No nookie for me this week.

I secretly wish the app that tracks all my 'women's stuff' would give me stats on all the fun stuff. Rather than telling me that I had more migraines than usual each month, tell me it's been an 'active' month. Also let me compete with friends and give me badges for achievements.

Guy at work was trying to explain how something complicated worked but gave up and told me to just go along with it. I instantly went "And that goes for you all, too" looking into an imaginary camera, like in Austin Powers. He didn't get the reference & thought I was just mad.

On my last day working for a local supermarket I changed some of the receipt codes for the most popular items. Hope everyone who checks their receipts enjoyed their 400g Fuk-Buttr and 460g smeg ktchp.

I have no idea which drawer is for detergent and which is for softener and I refuse to learn

I am shagging two of the neighbours, each without the other's knowledge. Thinking of adding a third. It is like skiing just ahead of an avalanche, being fully alive in the moment but it could end in disaster.

I send letters so infrequently now, that I has to google which side of the envelope the stamp is supposed to go on.

I take the lift to the first floor instead of the stairs. Normally I wait for an empty one but was late so got in a busy lift as doors closed. As everyone else was going to floor three or higher, I put on a limp, hoping they'd feel sorry for me rather than think I was lazy.

When draining the vegetables in the kitchen, I serenade them with the lyrics "I want to drain you like a sieve" to the tune of Praise You by Fatboy Slim.

Every time I remove a baguette from its paper wrapping, I place it in front of me and imagine I'm pulling back the foreskin of my enormous girthy penis. It's a powerful feeling

I am a proper indie music fan. Proper 6 music. I send thousands on vinyl and gigs. Best musical experience of the last 10 years was the Steps musical.

Just because you're not in jail doesn't mean you're not guilty. Share your confession here: https://b3ta.com/addfess

Come to Fesshole Live in 2026! Tickets on sale for Manchester, Hull & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm. Best of Fesshole, audience confessions, secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole

I have a new girlfriend, she has a dog, who I feed my bogies too. The damn thing loves them.

Found a Christmas card tucked in the bookshelf. It was for our 10 year old daughter from the wife's Aunt. Pocketed the tenner inside and ditched the card.

I set up a fake email account ages ago to sign up for things. Now the name on the email has become my internet alter-ego for some of my more extreme views

I grew up without dishwashers. We washed them by hand. First time I saw one was a 1990s horror movie where it bursts open and spills water on the floor and electrocutes a young girl. I have one now but I don't stay in the kitchen when it's running. Can't be too careful.

I am trying to make my BF leave me by microwaving tea in a mug of milk. It is not working. I don't think he has even noticed.