I can't work today because my password is too long.

The Onion always has the best business ideas!

Profits Soar As Taylor Farms Rebrands As Biological Weapons Manufacturer

https://theonion.com/profits-soar-as-taylor-farms-rebrands-as-biological-weapons-manufacturer/

Why do I consistently call aluminum foil 'tin foil?' Am I secretly 100 years old?

It would explain some things if I were.

I've driven away while people were standing by my car before. Does that mean it's okay for them to shoot me in the head?

#iceMurder

If Tylenol causes autism, what do brain worms cause?

I bought Halloween candy early, which was probably a mistake.

If we ever throw off the shackles of Republicanism, we should make DC and Puerto Rico (if they want) states in the next Congress.

Are we sure they didn't just beat up "Big Balls" because he is an asshole?

I couldn't remember @futurebird 's name, so I just searched for 'ants!'

I kept my temper almost all day today. Hooray for me.

Wait ... it's not raining *now*, it might rain *later*. 😠

My phone woke me up with an alert to say... it's raining.

My lunch was very garlic-forward.

After [mumblety mumble] years of listening to pop music, I have reached my decision.
I don't like the fade out. If the song is over, just stop already.

I was so sure it was Saturday, that I didn't know what was happening when the alarm went off.

Waking up is hard to do.

The next person who tells me to be more resilient gets to see me burst into tears.

If someone I planned to arrest on Tuesday gave a press release screaming "They're going to arrest me on Tuesday!"
I think I would arrest them on Monday.
Or, to be a bitch, I'd arrest them on Thursday.

I've been yawning so violently, I think I injured my brayn.