Me: I meant the trains...

Her: You see rails and you think about being railed!!!

I would love to play pokemon while snuggling. ​:neocat_pleading:​

Or pole dance ​:neocat_pleading:​

And maybe next time I'll be confident enough to actually share a video of me pole dancing on Fedi ​:neocat_blush_hide:​

For now I only felt comfortable enough to share it with cuties I know in person already (sorry online cuties) ​:neocat_blush_hide:​​:neocat_peek_owo:​

It's so much fun. But I'm also now remembering that I could feel the hard pole on my inner thigh for 3 days. The pole is strong and my flesh is still weak. Definitely not the comfiest at the beginning. ​:neocat_pensive:​​:neocat_laugh_tears:​

But also I want to cling to the pole and sit there again ​:neocat_aww:​

I want to be on the pole again. I want to work on my pole sots, spins, and everything ​:neocat_pleading:​

(Yes, the sits are not correct yet, but I'm still just a beginner and bad with body coordination ​:neofox_laugh_sweat:​)

I think recording the choreography last session really helped, I need to do that next time as well. ​:neocat_aww:​

I want to be on the pole again. I want to work on my pole sots, spins, and everything ​:neocat_pleading:​

(Yes, the sits are not correct yet, but I'm still just a beginner and bad with body coordination ​:neofox_laugh_sweat:​)

I think recording the choreography last session really helped, I need to do that next time as well. ​:neocat_aww:​

Looks at pictures on the timeline ​:blobcateyes:​

​:neocat_aww:​​:neocat_aww:​​:neocat_aww:​

RE: social.elizabeth.cat/notes/aqqx2891v112wjrt

sigh ​:neocat_facepalm:​

D8dn't know there where 3 different colours...

I can't wait ​:neocat_pleading:​​:neocat_pleading_reach:​

Sometimes even existence feels bad and I just don't want to be. ​:neocat_sob:​

*Don't worry, I'll be fine eventually, I always am, no matter the internal pain*

I'm also aware that I neglected a bunch of people and things I actually really care about. But all this accumulating made it hard for me to find the energy and spoons for it. It's sad and I regret it, but also I just couldn't do it. Not with my brain being like that. ​:neocat_sob:​

I hate crying like this. Why can't it be positive tears. ​:neocat_sob:​​:neocat_sob:​

Honestly this year was pretty bad for my mental health. Lots of stress, anxiety, and pressure. Feeling like I'm further and further falling behind. Multiple old traumas triggering. Plus I guess a new trauma. I have generalized anxiety disorder, and my brain is an absolute expert at making up the most unrealistic irrational things to be anxious about and can completely shut me down with them making them super serious and real at that moment.

Being an immigrant certainly doesn't help. The anxiety sucks away my energy to go out to places and meet people. And makes it harder to connect and make friends. At the same time it makes me feel like a big imposter here and I always fear about having to leave all of a sudden. And honestly I really noticed how I had wayyy less plans to connect with people, way less energy to do it, and was wayy less inviting people or meeting up with people as the year went on because my brain, my anxiety, it all just sucked so much energy out of me.

It was a struggle and it accumulated a lot by now and weighs me down.

​:neocat_sob:​​:neocat_sob:​​:neocat_sob:​​:neocat_sob:​​:neocat_sob:​

Brain worms are worming hard today. Having a strong anxiety attack all of a sudden sucks ​:neocat_sob:​

sex is great and all but have you ever just sat with someone in silence and enjoyed their presence

@AliciaBytes @LinaBlue there’s a distinct LACK of space now

@LinaBlue When Lina has her next days off I fully expect to come home to a big model train installation with city, decoration and everything there. ​:blobcat_giggle:​

@LinaBlue To the left there is our fire place (hidden behind the stacked tables). Where those stacked tables and the big lego bricks behind them are used to be a big CRT and arcade machine just a bit ago. Now the CRT is visible in the right up against our window wall. And the arcade machine is to the right behind me while I was taking the pictures.

And the big platform of tables? That's the foundation for Lina's new train set-up to come soon. None of them were there until yesterday and one could nicely walk around the fireplace with lots of open space in the living room. ​:neofox_laugh_sweat:​