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https://pldb.kirancodes.me/fun/alignment

yearning for death's sweet embrace is stronger than usual tonight

aside from being pretty embarassed, I guess pleased to have had that life event lol

ex-situationship girl invited me to her tranniversary last night, which was super nice!

uuuuh, drank 3 cocktails and may have gotten too inebriated to walk and threw up, but they helped me out of the bar and one of her friends let me stay at theirs until I sobered up, which omg was so nice like I wasn't abandoned. Though I guess it feels like inebriation just makes me kinda worse at socialising?

I ohpe I didn't ruin her traniversary but otherwise had fun, and it was so sweet that they took care of me and kept me safe.

me and my clocky voice

wow Mamdani! very based!

A man sees another about to jump off a bridge.
“Don't do it! Are you a programming languages researcher?”
“Yes!”
“Me too! Proof assistants or refinement types?”
“Refinement types!”
“Me too! Liquid Haskell or F*?”
“F*!”
“Die, heretic!” And he pushes him off the bridge.

anyone else do this?

#trans #comic

it was driven home to me when one of the ops people, speaking to one of the founders, "being a genius must be difficult" and it gave that vibe of both affirming but also isolating - you're smart, but you're also different. and like that's exactly how people treat me. impressed, but also at a distance.

after spending the last week at a philanthropic science funding thing, I think I kinda get why my relation to being trans isn't like most trans people? I don't mind being clocky, in fact, I like it/it's part of my identity

I guess in the space of entrepreneurs and founders, being weird? or eccentric isn't bad? it's pretty much a bonus, because it signals skill and tenacity. look, she looks like a freak yet she's still well known. she must be cracked etc. it's a community that really sees me for me in the sense that people look at me, and don't see a freak (bad), but see someone who has survived and will persevere, a freak (good)

I wouldn't want to "pass" because I'd be losing that signal, i'd be losing a part of my identity that reflects my journey. It hasn't been easy. I constantly want to kill myself. but i'm still here. I'm still thriving

that being said unlike all the other researchers I met there, I don't have anything outside of my career. I don't have a family. I barely have friend circles. If I fail I've got nothing I've got no support network and I'm killing myself. It's not a thing I can turn off and settle back to a "normal" life if it doesn't work.

she's from academia I can tell by the way
she's presenting findings to the room
it doesn't take a peer review to see
a researcher always finds a way to leave
drinkin jack all by myself
she's choosin' research I can tell

Anyone in NYC wanna form like a voice training practice group w. me?

In SF and SC this week, moots hmu

the sum total of people who might even notice if I disappeared is:
- one guy from my category theory reading club
- a few techbros at the lean nyc meetup
- my work colleagues,
- maybe my roommate

I'm so alone :(

Volunteering lady called me good girl as I packed the crates which was nice.

I needed that.

Maybe some people are just not cut out for love

Raining hard as hell this morning. But still we ball. Volunteering is good for the soul and I could definitely use some saving.

I feel like with each person I date, I'm monotonically increasing the compatibility of my date.

I just hope the lattice is bounded.

I hope I find my top

alone again :(

i think there's something deeply and truly broken about me;

i feel nothing, I can respond like this no problem,

what is love? would there ever be a connection in my life that I'll feel attached to an extent that I'd not react calmly to it ending?