If I were my brain, I would simply chill out for once

the existential risk of AI is that if I have to talk about it every day for the rest of my life I might not exist for long

This holiday season throw your computer into the sea! The ocean hungers for our knowledge

I’ll stop at nothing to give up immediately

THAT'S JUST GREAT. MY LUNCH ESCAPED AND HE'S COMING BACK ARMED.

drinking fountains are so wild. they’re like ‘you thirsty? let me spit at your lips’

There are many big things to freak out about right now, but don’t forget to freak out about the little things too

the rapture doesn’t work if you’re indoors. so if you’re in Costco and you get raptured, then you’ll just hit the ceiling like a helium balloon

I was grilled by my 5yr old neighbor re how come she never sees me, I'm not really her neighbor, and I probably don't even live next door anymore. tough but fair.

Hopefully you’re all in love with me by now, or else what's the point of all this

Can't talk. The lava lamp is getting to the good part.

Sometimes being an adult means when watching porn you catch yourself saying shit like, “that’s a great kitchen.”

Hiring a private investigator to follow me around so I can truly know myself

the No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service policy here at the shoe and shirt shop may have been a mistake

cutting carbs by eating only one spaghettum

If I had a dollar for every time I needed a dollar, that would be convenient

Wish i was a desirable nudibranch

for me, if it’s light shining through the trees: gotta be dappled

You rarely hear bad news about cheese

Trying to gauge whether people are interested in my new album where I sing Kidz Bop covers of '90s R&B songs in the voice of the Crypt Keeper so please boost for visibility.